The Kingpin's Possession

43: Comfort and Gratitude

Kit:Against his better judgment, Kit went to the fertility clinic with both P’Kanya and P’Kim. Of course he was happy that they were going through such an important moment in their lives, and he didn’t want to be a pessimistic about the whole deal, but he couldn’t help it—his heart felt as heavy as lead.

Not once had he ever doubted P’Kim’s feelings for him, but still… part of him felt envious. His sister could give his lover something he himself could never give. Immediately after thinking that, he felt awful. He shook his head in annoyance at his own thoughts; he should be happy for them, not feeling sorry for himself.

He watched as P’Kim guided P’Kanya to the operating room in a wheelchair. He had wanted to go behind them, but he hadn't been able to. His feet had felt glued to the ground and he hadn't been able to follow behind them into the room.

Kit stood back to wait in the lobby, swaying his weight from the balls of his feet to his heels. He pressed his lips together, deep in thought, trying to keep the bad feelings at bay and focusing on being happy for the two of them instead.

Don’t be like that, KitDon’t feel bad about something you can’t control.Yeah, that’s right. P’Kim loved him even if he couldn’t bear a child, so he shouldn’t feel like he was incomplete. After all, his worth to P’Kim wasn’t measured by his ability to bear a child. And in the same way, their love for each other wouldn’t fade just like that.

The thought instantly made him feel better, and soon, he was humming by himself, waiting for the procedure to be over, so that they could all go home together and celebrate the coming of a new member.

Just then, to Kit’s surprise, P’Kim walked out the operating room and came to stand next to him in the hallway.

“Uh…” Kit was so surprised that he didn’t know what to say for a few moments. Given the significance of the operation, he hadn’t expected any of them to return to the waiting room so soon, especially P’Kim. “What are you doing here, P’Kim? Shouldn’t you be with my sister at such a crucial time?”

Kim inhaled deeply, then turned to look at the younger man. “It’s more important for me to see how the person I love is doing,” he said seriously, and if it wasn’t for the grave tone of his voice, Kit would have felt butterflies in his stomach at the sweetness of those words.

“Kanya has experts to accompany her and ensure that the procedure goes without a hitch.” He placed a hand on Kit’s shoulder, adding, “Meanwhile, you’re out here alone.”

Kit gave him a small smile of reassurance, leaning into his touch. “I understand that you’re worried about…” He gestured vaguely around the room. “...about all this. About my sister’s surrogacy affecting our relationship.”

He took P’Kim’s hand from his shoulder and entwined their fingers together. “But you have nothing to worry about. I might have had some doubts before, but now I don’t feel left out at all. P’Kanya is about to get pregnant, and soon she will have your baby. And I know that’s something I can never give you, but I also know that I don’t need to, because you love me anyway, just like I love you.”

Kim looked a little less worried at that, but he still didn’t seem very convinced. After all, he had seen the tension in Kit’s shoulders when they had left the mansion; he had seen the look in his eyes just before he and Kaya had walked into the operating room.

It was why he had left the room as soon as the doctor had said the procedure was ready. He didn’t want Kit to feel lonely or left out in any way.

“If my uncle wasn’t forcing me to have this marriage and produce a legal heir, I would never go through with this… I would have preferred to not have children at all, ever. It’s just something that I had never wanted for myself.” He pulled Kit closer, his arms tightening around his waist. “All I ever wanted was to find love, a place where I belonged. Someone who accepted me for who I am. And now that I’ve found that person—now that I’ve found you—I don’t need anything else in my life, Kit.”

At that, Kim found himself smiling. NowOf course, P’Kim didn’t hesitate to hug him back. They stayed that way for a long time, both of them wanting the moment to linger forever. When they pulled away, P’Kim said, “As for Kanya… Well, I am more worried about P’Kla. He’s been… er, acting weird, so to say, since this morning. I know this is about Kaya and his future and I can tell that he is worried, but he isn't the kind of person to open up easily.”

Kim sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose, before turning to face Kit. “Did Kaya say anything to you? Before we came here? Or perhaps last night?”

“Mai naKar thot, PhiBut Kim shook his head, cupping Kit’s face with his hands. “Mai pen rai“But…what happens now?” Kit asked, worried. “You’re about to marry P’Kanya as soon as she gets pregnant. Do you think P’Kla will give up on her so easily?”

All Kit got was a shake of P’Kim’s head. It took a few seconds before he continued, “P’Kla has…never really loved anyone, because he is scared of losing them.” He sighed, as though he knew about that fear all too well.

“In the world of the mafia, absolutely nothing is certain; just about anybody could lose their lives at any given time. And so, the first thing our father had taught us was to let go of emotional attachments.”

Kit reached out a hand again to squeeze P’Kim hand comfortingly, which the latter welcomed with a flash of gratitude in his eyes.

“We both practiced the same tendency of emotional detachment, because it was true—the world of the mafia was not a merciful one, and if we wanted to survive here with our sanity intact, it was best if we didn’t get too attached to anyone who would eventually meet their end at the hands of the enemy.”

P’Kim sounded pained as he said so that Kit couldn’t help but feel sad for those that P’Kim may have lost in the past. “But P’Kla seemed to be more than detached… to the point of not showing emotions at all, even more so than me. I think some part of it was because he was supposed to take over our clan after our father died. That’s what he was trained to do from birth.”

“But…” Kit prompted, wondering why there was a twist in the story. “P’Kla didn’t take the role…you did. What happened?”

“When the time came for him to step up and take over as the rightful heir, he didn’t.” P’Kim sighed, a faraway look in his eyes. “He stepped back and chose to be a lawyer instead of doing what our father had wished for him to do. He chose the path of justice instead of crime. And that’s when the burden of being the heir fell on my shoulders. I had to step up and keep the Ayutthaya clan from falling apart.”