My Alleged Husband

Chapter 554 - 533 Unable to Face_1

Zhang Zhentian and Xia Jing would never know why they always dared not face the consequences of their own mistakes.

Both thought, having lived to such an age, that acceptance of their errors would come naturally. But when their mistakes beckoned, they were consumed by fear.

Though everyone is afraid at times, and everyone fears their mistakes being exposed, facing errors correctly is what constitutes the courage and responsibility expected of a person, isn’t it? Yet, why is it that when clearly aware of the errors they’ve made, they still cannot bear to accept them? In the end, it’s the fear of completely losing the other, pretending no longer to hold each other in their hearts when, in reality, their presence lingers. Isn’t this just pushing their feelings further apart, forcing oneself to let go of a life that one does not belong to anymore?

"In truth, we are both the same, neither of us right nor wrong. We’ve overlooked unforgivable mistakes, and no one is able to face their errors appropriately—not just you, even I cannot face my own. So how could you? No one is a Saint, and everyone errs, but what’s precious is having the courage to shoulder those mistakes.

I know I’ll never have the opportunity to make such a gesture, but I still genuinely hope that if one day we can be together again, let us not repeat this!" Xia Jing spoke to Zhang Zhentian.

In the eyes of the unworthy, uttering such words might seem trivial, but to her former husband, they might spark a glimmer of hope. He might believe that with a bit more effort, his wife would return to him, but is such a result truly attainable? Can a broken relationship be mended back to its original state? Can a lost marriage ever regain its former affection? No one can provide her with a definite answer, not even him. Making this decision felt like a joke to himself, a self-deception, let alone for anyone else.

"I don’t know what I need to do for you to choose to return to me. Perhaps we will never have another unforgettable opportunity. But whenever I see you crying, my heart still aches with you, even more keenly than yours. I’m scared to see you cry because the thing I can’t bear the most is to see the woman I love in tears. When I was with you, not a single day did I bring you happiness, and even the simple things you desired were beyond my reach. To you, this was a hurt, to me, it’s the failure of a man to take the most basic responsibility. It’s this cowardice that has made us what we are today, and it terrifies me. I dread the day when we truly lose contact, for my heart would be in untold agony. My wishes are not great; I only hope for the company of the person I love, which is not too much to ask for. Yet, ultimately, I shattered my own marriage, pushed away the person I cherished most, and turned a potentially happy family into irreparable fragments.

To be honest, no man can face such an outcome without heartache. Who doesn’t yearn for a perfect life or the love of their cherished one their entire life? But I’ve received too much of your love in my lifetime, a love that I’ve never reciprocated. Perhaps, that’s why heaven is punishing me, leaving me without you for life because I lost the person who loved me the most, who I’ve personally abandoned. What right do I have to ask for heavenly forgiveness? The errors one commits must be faced with their consequences; no one will unwaveringly stand behind you to pay for your mistakes.

The heart is reciprocal; once broken, it can never be restored to its original state. Even if everything is exhausted, the sought-after original form cannot be regained. What’s past is past. It is because I regarded all this as inconsequential that I’ve now realized the true meaning of heart-wrenching pain, a feeling unknown to others. I’ve struggled in that pain as one flounders in a dark abyss, unable to see a way out. I’m scared. I’m afraid my dearest will leave me, scared that even those who love me will depart. I fear losing all that I once neglected. I once believed I could become indifferent to love, but I’ve come to see that my heart has always been full of you, beyond my ability to treat you without emotion as before."

"Heh...

Don’t you think it’s meaningless to say these words now? The way you treated me then, heaven is now repaying you in kind. The pain and tears you caused me, the desperate sorrow, now even heaven can’t stand idly by and naturally seeks justice for me. I just never imagined that this would be the manner in which it’s served—not only are you hurt, but our father is hurt too. Had I known it would be like this, I would have preferred to suffer for a lifetime than let heaven decide for me.

Often, you’re aware of your own actions, not knowing what to do to repay others. You’re unsure how to proceed for the best outcome. But have you considered? When you had both love and success, your partner suddenly demanded a divorce, harshly casting you aside into an abyssal pit. Could your heart remain calm? Could you then live as if nothing had changed, continuing quietly with your life? No one can achieve such detachment!

Now that this is the outcome, we can no longer face each other. Let’s not pretend that I’m too ashamed to face you when you’re even less able to confront me. Since neither of us can face it, let’s not entangle each other any further. Constant entanglement is but the deepest wound, naught but tearing open healed scars, salting them anew!"