My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1786 - 1580: Lost

The air was filled only with breathing, while tears had already fallen to the ground and turned to mud. It seems like our paths might never cross again.

How could there be so many sorrowful things in the world? Everyone must pay the price for the mistakes they once made. Nobody would let themselves get wronged without reason; after all, neither owes you anything. Why should anyone stay committed to you after repeatedly being hurt by you? Perhaps the human heart cannot be exchanged for another.

Everyone lives in pain; it may not be crucial for others, but it is the most important thing for oneself. Why is it that what I want in life is always so unobtainable? How can I possibly reclaim the heart of the one I once loved so deeply?

Watching him delete all contact, watching him erase all memories, my heart aches as if it’s being cut with knives, stabbed again and again into my heart, leaving me breathless in pain. Yet, no one cares about my feelings. Reflecting on how I’ve hurt her, I wonder how sorrowful her heart must have been.

The pain I once caused her, I will inevitably taste myself, that kind of excruciating pain. Nobody knows what I’ve done wrong this past year, how deeply I have suffered during this time. I wake up from nightmares again and again; as soon as I close my eyes, my mind is flooded with his image. I inadvertently remember every stage I’ve walked through with him.

Sometimes, I can’t comprehend how I made such a heartless decision to abandon her, to abandon him. What’s next? Watching him plead earnestly before me, while I cruelly push him away—who could understand such heartache? How can anyone understand the pain and despair I’ve lived with, the depth of my inner anguish? Time and again, I hasten to understand, only to find the deepest sorrow each time.

"Zhentian, the biggest mistake of my life is treating you as a backup and choosing to be with you, hurting the one who loves me the most. If I could have time back, I would give up everything. I realize that I’d rather live in his shadow forever than be with you. Do you know how happy I feel being with him? The kind of happiness no one has ever given me, not even you. The happiness I desire and the joy he gives me are known only to me. Who could truly understand that happiness? What kind of results have you given me by hurting me repeatedly? Even though I ultimately chose to stay with you out of helplessness!

No one has gone through the pain I’ve endured over these years; perhaps none of you understand my inner turmoil. If you all one day feel the pain that I’ve experienced, maybe you wouldn’t treat me this way. I’ve lived under the weight of guilt for years, tortured by remorse, accepting all the pain it brings me. Every day, I only see him in dreams because I don’t dare to face him; I don’t dare to find her. I’m scared—to see him holding hands with someone else would be a wound I cannot bear!"

"I didn’t expect you’re still so fixated, is this meaningful to you? I’m your husband, standing before you, and here you discuss another man’s love for you. What do you take me for? Do you not realize how awkward it makes me feel? Unapologetically, how can you treat me in such a way repeatedly? In your eyes, do I not deserve even a shred of dignity? I’ve thrown away everything for you, discarded all my pride, yet you never consider my perspective!

When you act, can’t you be less selfish? Consider me just a bit. My love for you is as true as the heavens, never wavering, even after all the times you’ve wronged me. I’ve never resented you, but why can’t you appreciate my love? Despite everything, my heart still aches; I have no way to convey these words to you because I don’t know how. I’ve considered you the most important person in my life. Why do you need to treat me this way? For you, I could even abandon my own child, my own father, and yet here you are, treating me like this all for the man you keep thinking about?

Have you considered where it leaves me when you act this way? My life has been unbearably bitter; the repeated hurts, what must I do for you to understand my genuine intentions? These years have left me in unbearable pain; everything I’ve wished for seems forever out of reach. I don’t know when you’ll give me everything I want. Do you realize how much I love you? For you, I can abandon everything again, but why must you treat me like this?

If time could start over, I would still pursue you without any cost, keep you by my side. Everyone is selfish; for their love, they might ignore all else. You could abandon me for him, not love me, but I can’t treat you like he did. Perhaps you think I’m foolish, naive—despite everything, I still act this way. It’s not simply because I love you; you’ve accompanied me for many years and given me feelings no one else could. Even though this confidence exists under your influence, sometimes I struggle to understand why you say such things or act in such a way. But do you know, each time, I’m grateful for having met you—having met you, a joy unmatched in my life. Often, I don’t know how to express myself, but through my actions, I hope to show you my true love!

Love isn’t about saying it; it requires action to prove it. If I truly loved you, I wouldn’t hurt you again and again. Do you know, every time you hurt me, I don’t want to know your heart loves someone else instead of me!"

The echo carried by the cold wind leaves us uncertain on how to hysterically blame ourselves for our indecision.