My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1361 - 1184: There’s Nothing I Can’t Lose

Tears fall like rain, especially when the heart aches; no one knows how I felt at that time, and who should bear the harm I suffered.

"Perhaps you find all this unbelievable, but do you know that when my tears had already turned into raindrops and when I saw couples laughing and playing across the crowd on the street, do you know how much it hurt inside me? It was at that moment I realized that no matter what, I truly couldn’t forget him.

In my life, I’ve rarely done things I’ll regret forever, but this time I truly regretted it. My biggest regret was being with you and abandoning her. Do you know how much this hurt me?

It wasn’t until that moment that I realized that no matter what, I couldn’t lose her because I still love him. Without him, how could I go on living? I really want to hold her and tell her I’m sorry. I want her to forgive me, but my repeated uncertainties only hurt him, leaving me unable to properly protect the one I love most in my heart. Now I only want to hold her forever so that we never part in this life until the day I lose her. I’m in so much pain, so much pain. I truly didn’t realize how deeply I loved her; loving her to the point where the cost is a lifetime of agony. But for me, there is no issue. I’m not afraid of enduring a lifetime of hurt and grievances. What I fear is losing him..."

"You say you can’t lose her, so can you lose me? You say you still love him. Does that mean you have no feelings for me at all?" Zhang Zhentian is unwilling to give up and unsatisfied. He is unwilling, once again, to be toyed with by his wife. He wants to make one last struggle, to see if he still holds any place in his wife’s heart. If he truly doesn’t, then what meaning is there in forcefully keeping her by his side? If he wants a lifeless being to accompany him for a lifetime, wouldn’t being alone be more satisfying?

"Honestly, I really don’t want to hurt you, but some things I must make clear to you. I just can’t lose him; I love him in my heart. But I have no love for you; I can lose you. I can lose the whole world, but I can’t lose the man in my heart. Do you know, maybe all this change seems too fast to you, leaving you overwhelmed, but do you know, only when I left him did I realize how deeply I loved him. I love him with reckless abandon. I could give my whole life for him, but with you, I’m sorry, I just don’t feel that way!

If I choose to be with someone, and I don’t even have the basic desire within, why should I stay by him all the time? When I fell in love with him, I longed to be with him. But the gap between us was so large, at that moment I chose to deceive myself, to lie that I don’t love her. Yet in the end, I realized that the one I’ve always loved is him and it could never be anyone else!

Do you know, initially liking him, then gradually being together, and finally hoping to slowly grow old together with him, but I eventually found that it was all just Heaven’s way of mocking me, bullying me as a pitiful person, shattering my most beautiful hopes time and again. I truly hate this Heaven, Heaven being so unjust to me!

I believe you also feel that Heaven has been most unfair to you. You gave me your all, yet I ended up hurting you this way. So, you too are common, very common, as Heaven is unfair to you too. Yet do you know the torment in everyone’s heart? When I truly chose this ending, it destined me to live without any chance for happiness in this lifetime. But I no longer care about all this; what’s repeated on your lips of giving up everything for me, think deeply if you truly can? If you could, you wouldn’t keep talking about returning home time and again. If you could, a look from hopeful to hopeless wouldn’t appear on your eyes. All this is just to gain my sympathy. But even if I sympathize with you, so what? There’s truly no chemistry between us. Without even any chemistry, how do you think we can live happily together? Stop forcing me, let go!"

"Actually, you’ve said so much and spoken for so long, just to make me give up on you. Since I chose to be with you at the start, I won’t easily give up, especially now that our relationship already involves family interests. I can’t be selfish and without regard for my family’s safety. You also know how vital the reputation of a family is to my father, how he cares about face. Yet for both of us, he put aside his so-called pride and dignity time and again. How could I treat him like that? I am not stone-hearted. What I want is simple, but what I want, you ultimately can’t give me. Since you can’t give me what I want, why not allow me to fulfill it myself?

You probably also realize, if I make a wrong decision this time, it would ruin my entire family business completely. The business world is a battlefield, I can’t disregard my father’s lifelong efforts. I was too naive before to question you. I thought you were worth it, but ultimately I realized you weren’t worth it at all. Not knowing, why should I foolishly ignore so many years of my father’s hard work for you?"

Xia Jing also understands the reasons her husband does this to her. He once gave so much for her, yet she ultimately hurt him so, so why forcibly keep her husband, making him do things he doesn’t want in his heart? Time and again, even the softest heart eventually turns hard because all of this is simply the consequences of her own doing. Who can she blame? Everything can only let herself slowly reach this point, and ultimately, everything will only turn her into a lifeless shell without any way to change this predestined end...

Pain is self-inflicted, not caused by others, so ask yourself what it’s for!