My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1226 - 1056: Everyone Has a Past

If there are things left unsaid between us, misunderstandings between us will deepen over time. To continue living like this, we must be open and honest with each other.

"Do you really think I don’t want to let go of all the pain? It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that I can’t. Time and again, I’ve had to endure all the pain deep inside. All I want is a stable life, but my life keeps getting disrupted. Can I not blame anyone? Should I willingly endure all this suffering? I’ve watched helplessly as everything changes before my eyes, as those I care about get taken away. Do you know how painful that feels? No one ever considered what kind of heart-wrenching pain that is. You always think your decisions are right, but what about me? Am I meant to be abandoned and hurt by you as parents, time and again?

You say you’re no Saint, but what about me? Am I supposed to be the Saint? You’re tired living, I’m tired living, we’re all tired living, but I really don’t want to be this tired. Do you know how painful it is to be this exhausted? I just wish I could sleep and never wake up again. Maybe that’s the life I want, hiding in a pitch-dark coffin, never fearing the darkness again because I’ve already entered that place completely. When there’s no chance to ever leave that place, everyone would be relieved. All you wish is for me to leave this world, leave you all. In your eyes, only when I’m gone can you feel at ease, can you be happy, because what I want you can’t give me, what you want I can’t provide. In your eyes, everything I do is wrong, no matter how I try, you never see my good. Deep down, I’m forever the bad child!

In order to gain your understanding, to prove to you that I am the strongest, I’ve walked this path step by step, enduring so much hardship and pain. While everyone else laughs and enjoys happiness, what am I doing? I’m desperately pushing forward, because I want everyone to know I’m not the worst. I want my family to know, because your abandonment has made me who I am today, this outcome is because you abandoned me, making me numb, ruthless towards everything.

You are my parents, how could you treat me like this? I am your child, what do I get after all? In the end, it’s another disappointment, another hurt. What benefit do you say you get from this?"

"Child, your father knows that life has been hard for you all these years, but who hasn’t had a hard time? Like you said, everyone alive is tired, if you want not to be tired, unless you are already in a coffin. But can’t you let go of these things now? Do you realize that by letting go, you’d be relieved, you wouldn’t have to bear all this suffering anymore, your inner torment could be wholly reduced? This is the result we all want, why do you insist on holding on? What good will it do you? You hang onto clearly unbearable pain, knowing full well it hurts you over and over, knowing we push you deeper into the abyss, yet you still want us back by your side."

"I’m afraid, afraid that if I could let go, I already would’ve. Why insist on now? What result has my repeated persistence brought me? Deep down, don’t I know? You really think I’m living happily, joyfully? My agony is no less than yours. I constantly repress all despair deep inside, all I want is a peaceful life, but I ultimately get nothing. Because I understand, even if I give everything I’ve got, I’m nothing in your eyes. Only by striving and proving again and again to everyone, till the end, that I am indeed the strongest, can I have the qualification to show you I’m the best. Only then will you not cruelly abandon me. I just want my parents to stay by my side, is that wrong?

I’ve really given so much, so much. I’m the kind who takes for granted what I have, only realizing the importance of someone after losing them. But if someone’s heart isn’t with me, no matter what I do, they’ll never pay me any attention. Time and again I’ve been retaliated against, causing me unbearable pain, all to avenge the hurt I once gave them. She avenged me, he rejoiced, could laugh heartily. But what about me? I can only weep silently. I know men rarely cry, unless deeply saddened. Who knows how unhappy I am, I keep repressing all the pain inside. All I desire is to live happily, but what do I ultimately get? I’ve got nothing, only exchanged for a lifetime of wounds!

Dad, can you understand how much pain I endure? Can you understand? I’m your child, why treat me like this? I truly cannot comprehend with what mindset you decided to abandon everyone in our family. How did you act this way deep inside? Why treat us this way, does everyone in this family mean less to you than your so-called freedom and joy? Have you soared freely all these years outside? Not at all, instead you’ve lost your family. You’ve personally destroyed everything completely. Now that you’ve returned here, I still accept because deep inside, I hope for love from my parents. But after one effort after another, is this the outcome? I can’t remain indifferent, ignore what I see. It grinds away at me more than I can bear. I’m nearly collapsing, turning into a demon, almost mad. Step by step, I’ve driven myself here, all brought upon by myself, ruining all the endings I desired.

In the end, who can save it by flooding, can only blame myself for being foolish, to become like this, who knows how deeply painful it is inside me, I really can’t let go!"

Who can foresee what they once went through, who knows how dreadful the path walked was? I once thought I was the strongest... the result was...