My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1117 - 967 The Ordinary Road

Zhang Yichen now feels that his thoughts have completely changed from before. In the past, he couldn’t make decisions about his life as easily as he can now. But now that he has this ability, he realizes that none of it is what he really wants. He is neither that happy nor that joyful. Every kind of life he leads is a torment deep within his heart. Everything is the path he once chose, leading him step by step to a dead end, knowing he has nowhere to retreat, having to crawl step by step forward, even if the path ahead is covered in thorns, he can’t do anything about it.

"Mom and Dad, I never imagined that one day I would view everything with such an ordinary mindset. I don’t know how I’ve spent all these years, but I have a clear conscience. Every decision I’ve made has led me to live a simple yet fulfilling life. Although I walked step by step onto the path I least wanted to take, that path is ultimately my future survival route. I won’t change this path; I have no power to change it, and I won’t feel disappointed because of these things or let those who have high hopes for me down.

Perhaps you think the current me is quite scary, having abandoned my original goals just to avoid others’ gossip, choosing a path I despise the most. But is that path genuinely the one I loathe from the bottom of my heart? No one knows.

How crazy and terrifying I was before, only I could experience that feeling. Who would stand in your shoes to consider these things for you? Every step of the path is one I should bear, wishing that no one, at any time or place, would know that perhaps I am the most correct one.

Once, I put in a lot of effort to bring my parents back to this home. I unconsciously got used to observing their every move, to know all their news. But gradually, I realized, could I truly control everything? No matter how much effort I put in, in their eyes, they didn’t know that I, as their son, was constantly watching their every move. I was like a fool, waiting again and again, only to be unable to see that moment when my parents would turn back and gaze at me.

Until later, when I became completely numb, and no longer believed in myself, in all the emotions between us. That day, my parents chose to return to this home. They were in such pain. Watching them lying there in the hospital, my heart felt like it was being cut with a knife, yet I was powerless. I tried to call them back with my emotions, to make them fully awake. I stayed up for days and nights, waiting for over a week. But in the end, I only waited for their return, only to also wait for another round of hurt and deceit from them.

Grandpa, why do you say that having feelings for your parents is a mistake? In their eyes, no matter what, am I unworthy of being their child? I so much hope they could embrace me with warm arms, even if it’s just gentle greetings. I would feel moved. But I’ve waited for so many years, and I haven’t experienced it. I’ve forgotten what motherly love feels like. I’ve forgotten what the accompaniment of a father feels like. Unlike before, I no longer long for my parents’ care and love, because I know I’m different from other kids. I have my own path to walk. The path that I must take is the opposite of everyone’s route.

I have to prove through my own means that my choice is right. I want my relatives and parents to know that I’ve successfully achieved the goals I once helplessly and powerlessly dreamed of. I will step by step become the self I’ve always anticipated. Even if I have to use every possible means, I will thoroughly complete my goals. I want everyone to see the so-called effort I’ve put in. It wasn’t in vain; it was heaven recognizing my effort and rewarding me with what I deserved the most."

"Child, isn’t it tiring for you doing this? When we use our lives to write that it is time to meet, so others don’t have to wait anymore, don’t you know how sad it is? I layer and layer gifts for you repeatedly, and on every full moon night, I miss you so much, yet where are you? Haven’t you ever thought of me as your father waiting somewhere, anytime?

I will never change my direction for anyone, nor will I let anything make my life different. I also won’t let all of this go against my path. I want everyone to know that every decision I made was correct.

Honestly, you all know how tremendous the effort I’ve put in these years is. You are my child, regardless of when or where, regardless of whether you believe me as a parent. But in our hearts, we sincerely want the best for you. We give you everything we want to be perfect. We can’t make everything perfect, but I can make it feel different from usual. I want to provide you with the perfect life, to let you experience the most perfect love, but I didn’t achieve that. I know you are disappointed in me for this, you feel I am unworthy as your parent. Yet do you know? Even though we live away from you geographically, our hearts always remember you. I always care about how my child lived today, whether he is full, whether the weather changed to cold, whether he caught a cold?

You never thought how I have lived through such a life. Once I made myself numb step by step, wanting to be numbed by killing. I didn’t want it to become a sorrow deep within. No matter what I become, no matter how much pain and hurt I endure, I can never cover the scars deep inside me. These scars were left since the day I left you, unless time could turn back decades, bringing me back to that moment I left you.

Otherwise, I have no way to forgive myself, let alone pretend that nothing ever happened. The harm I brought to you is deeply rooted, making you always think of the pain you once suffered.

I also know these harms can’t be changed, but please trust me. Believe that I, as a parent, genuinely want the best for you and want to give you everything sincerely!"