Wingless and Beautiful

Chapter Forty-Two

I don’t know how long I sat there, reading every word. She wrote me almost every day, telling me everything that happened to her since I left.

Dear Hunter,

Today, we needed to move houses. Meredith could no longer afford this house. I totally understand that. My mother didn’t exactly leave her with a huge inheritance. I was just worried about how you would find me. I didn’t know how to reach you so I could give you my new address. But I know… you would find me. No matter what. We would find each other...

Dear Hunter,

I was temping at Strung. I love working there. Dominic, the guy I work with, is on the local band. He told me I would make good money playing on gigs. But unfortunately, Meredith doesn’t agree with that. Plus, the gigs are mostly done at nights, and it wouldn’t be safe for me to come home after midnight. I think she was right. So for now, my best encounter with a guitar and other musical instruments would be when I dust the products on sale at Strung…

Dear Hunter,

… You see, Chaise was the guy who saved me the other night. He had been following me home… making sure I was safe each night after I go to work. Then when my luck struck out, he was there to rescue me… like a guardian angel, God sent to make sure I wouldn’t have new nightmares to escape from.

He told me he liked me. But hey! Look up! I already told him we could only be friends. I still can’t date anybody.

I sort of told this perfect guy I would wait for him to come back. And I’m still waiting. I still believe that one day… I would see him again… touch him… kiss him… hear him say the words he should have said to me before he left… so I could say those words back to him.

Come back to me, Hunter. It’s still you. It will always be you.

I didn’t know it, but tears were rolling down my cheeks. I spent months being angry at her because I thought she didn’t wait long enough for me to return. I thought she’d given up on us. I thought she didn’t believe I would keep my promises of coming back and protect her, take care of her.

From the pages I read, I could tell that life had not been so easy on her. But her letters had always been optimistic and she always ended them with a note saying she couldn’t wait for me to come back to her.

I could only imagine the pain that she went through when after all the waiting, hoping and praying for my safety, I came back ignoring her, to the point that made her unsure that I remembered her at all.

What an asshole I had truly been!

I promised not to hurt her. I went through a transplant because I wanted to protect her. I asked her to promise to wait for me. And what did I do as soon as I came back? I pretended she didn’t exist. I stood by and watched her survive every single day, instead of making things easy for her.

But even if I didn’t do anything, she made me so proud. She was so brave, so tough. No matter how many stones they threw at her, she dodged all of them and she always emerged triumphant.

Every day, I wanted to hug her, tell her how proud I was of her. But every day, it killed me to think that she was with Anderson and I was hopeless to get her back. And worse, back then, I couldn’t even blame her for being with another guy. It was I who left her behind.

When my old schoolmates came, things became even more complicated for me. I didn’t expect Tania to show up with them. And everybody thought we were an item, when we were no more than childhood acquaintances. Our parents were business partners and they were hoping to merge our families by marrying me off to her. Tania had always been in on the program. I had never been.

Sure, she was pretty. But she had never been my type. We were never interested in the same things when we were kids. How much more now? Even before my accident, we had grown so far apart, she almost felt like a stranger. When I lost my mother, she never even offered her condolences to me in person, even though she was my oldest friend. When she found out that I would be blind forever, I just never heard from her again. That’s why when she came for the immersion program, and started following me around, I had to hold on to the last strings of chivalry in my body so I wouldn’t reject her in the most humiliating way possible.

Perhaps even Allison thought I was with Tania. I didn’t care what others thought. But I didn’t want Allison to think there was a girl from my past I didn’t tell her about.

I remember that day at the beach, when Allison broke her slippers. I had been doing so well in pretending not to know her or care about her. But as I watched her desperately trying to salvage her slipper, I thought to myself, Fuck it! I wouldn’t stand there and watch her suffer. So, I finally worked up the courage to speak to her.

I remember her saying, “Can you just go attend to your girlfriend? See if she needs help with anything!”

I couldn’t help the smile on my face when I told her, “As you wish.” And then I scooped her up in my arms.

When she asked me what the hell I was doing, I fought to urge to reply with “Doing what you asked. Attending to the needs of my girlfriend.” Because God knows, she is my girlfriend. In my heart, she was. She will always be.

People were looking at us, as I carried her in my arms. She thought I would be embarrassed when the people from school saw me with her. If she only knew I was practically in heaven that time. I wanted everybody to see her with me, like Don Winston… and most especially Anderson!

At the shop, when she told me her shoe size, I chose the most expensive pair of slippers on the store. Not because I was expecting her to pay me back. But because since I met her, I wanted to spoil her. I planned to give her the world. What’s a pair of designer slippers compared to that?

During that night at the concert, I was in the worst mood because I could barely hold all the bottled up emotions inside me. I felt so trapped, so desperate.

I went to the concert because I knew she would be there. And it had been my habit to keep an eye on her, especially on times when I knew she would be out late.

I couldn’t find her in the concert grounds and I thought she would be somewhere with Denise, since she had been helping her out. But when she showed up on that stage, looking as beautiful as ever, I almost lost it, I felt like I was on the verge of breaking down.

When she played the song I taught her, I couldn’t be more proud. She played it flawlessly—as perfect as she was. And I would have given everything to be up there with her.

She received an encore for her performance. And she deserved every bit of that. But when Anderson appeared on the stage to give her a rose, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to get out of there.

Unfortunately, Tania caught up with me.

“Why are you in a foul mood, Hunter?” she kept goading me. “It’s that girl, isn’t it?”

I kept quiet and headed towards the parking lot.

“Tell me!” she shouted. “I heard the rumors. People told me they saw you carrying that scar-faced girl in your arms! Is it true! Is it her? That scar-faced…”

I turned towards her, and I knew she saw the furious expression on my face. “You call her scar-faced again and I swear Tania! I will forget I was raised to be a gentleman!”

She stared back at me, quite dumbfounded. I knew that the only thing worse than the ice-cold fury in my voice was the explosive wrath on my face. It must have scared her. But she didn’t back down.

“It’s true, then? It was that girl!”

“Yes! It was her!” I closed my eyes and stared up at the star-freckled sky. I heaved a sigh. “It will always be her.”

“Why? What did you see in her? She was nothing like me! She was nothing like what your father would expect you to bring home to your family.”

I raised a haughty brow at her. “Exactly. She was nothing like you,” I told her truthfully.

I had no choice. I had to be honest, even if it breaks Tania’s heart. Maybe it’s for the best. So she would stop hoping there will ever be a future for us.

“She has a boyfriend!”

I shrugged. “Yes, she does. Me.”

“What?”

“We met at the center where I lived when I was blind. We fell in love. She was the reason why I agreed to undergo this transplant.”

“Oh, now, I get it! You fell in love with her when you were blind. And you didn’t see what she looked like.”

“Yes!” I replied without even blinking. “And now that I could finally see, I thought she looked even more beautiful than how I imagined she would be when I was blind.”

At that moment, Allison walked in front of us, with Anderson and Denise. I stared back at them, resisting the urge to hit Anderson black and blue. But I doubted that would help me score points with Allison.

“Our fathers are expecting us to get married,” Tania said. I could hear the desperation in her voice.

“I guess they will be disappointed,” I murmured.

“Don’t tell me, you intended to marry her instead? No way, you would know she was the one!”

I stared at her for a moment. Then I nodded. I held the pendant of my necklace in my hand. “I already bought a ring.”

“God damn it, Hunter!” she shouted at me “Why?!”

“You know why!” I bit back at her. And in a calmer voice, I whispered. “I never told you I loved you. Because I never did. You were nothing more than an acquaintance. But her… I love her, Tania. The way I have never loved anybody before. I’m sorry.”

Tears welled up in her eyes. “I swear, I will tell your father about this!”

I shook my head. “I don’t care. Knock yourself out.” Then I turned to walk away, leaving Tania with the rest of her friends.

I sighed at the memory of that night. Tania didn’t even complete the immersion program. She went home earlier than the others. And true to her word, she told my father.

My father immediately called me the next day. I was prepared for his long monologue. There was nothing he could say that would make me change my mind. I would just sit there and pretend I was even listening. Garbage in, garbage out. It was like he never even called.

But what he asked actually surprised me.

“Is this the girl that you requested your uncle to buy a necklace for? The necklace with braille at the back.”

“How did you find out about that necklace?” I asked him back.

“Because I was the one who bought it, son,” he replied. “And I know, whoever that girl was, she must be special. So wonderful, she gave me a chance to have my son back.”

“So… you’re not going to talk me out of not marrying Tania?”

“You’re an adult now, Hunter,” my father said gently. “You’re very smart… sometimes, too smart. And you have all your mother’s money and properties. You are rich enough on your own…

“You’ve lost a lot in that accident. This is your second life. I want you to do whatever it is that would make you happy. I have hurt you so much in the past. I have taken so much from you. The choice of who to love and who to spend the rest of your life with is a choice I will never take away from you. I love you, son.”

That was something I never expected from him at all. And even though the wounds still hadn’t healed completely, I was glad we had that conversation.

I don’t know how long I sat there in the garden, reading the pages of Allison’s diary. I was on the last entry she wrote. It was the night of the concert when I hit a tree in the parking lot after seeing her perform on stage, after seeing her carrying a rose from Anderson, after my conversation with Tania. I was trying to channel the pain I felt somewhere else because I thought I could no longer endure it, live with it.

Dear Hunter,

If I could shout at you now, I would.

If I could hit you over and over so you would feel the same pain I feel right now, I would.

If I could show you how angry and hurt I am, I would.

But I couldn’t…

I couldn’t…

I couldn’t…

The boy I used to know has gone to a place I couldn’t reach him. And I was reduced to a memory he would rather forget.

Before we come to an end, I wish I could shout at you, hit you, show you how mad I am right now. Even if I could, I don’t think you would hear… or feel… or see.

A tear rolled down my cheek again when I read the words she wrote. I wasn’t the only one hurting. She was hurting too. And it wasn’t fair that she thought she meant nothing to me. She was everything to me. She was my love. She was my life. My past. My present and my future.

Oh no, angel. You didn’t have to hit me or shout at me at all.

Because I hear…

I feel…

I see.

Suddenly, I heard footsteps approach until it stopped a few feet behind me. The air felt charged and a familiar feeling crept through me. I felt exactly the way I did whenever she would come and find me in this garden before. And I knew… this was my chance to make everything right.

I closed the diary in my hand and climbed down from the table I was sitting on. Slowly, I turned around to face her. She was looking at me with a wildly confused expression. Slowly, I removed the hood that concealed my face.

I stared at her beautiful face for a long while. I watched as realization crossed her face and then tears began to well up in her eyes.