The Villain’s Ending

Chapter 70

Delusion (9)

I didn't bother taking a carriage.

I just wanted to walk.

My steps were headed toward the dormitory, but my mind was utterly blank.

Thoughts like where I should go or what I should do didn't even cross my mind.

The noise of the bustling street faded behind me.

The sound of people's laughter, carriages rolling, and merchants' cries all melded together, reaching my ears.

It was like hearing sounds from underwater.

Before I knew it, streetlights began to illuminate the darkening road one by one.

A faint orange glow cast long shadows.After mindlessly trudging along, I eventually found myself in front of my room.

I couldn't remember how I got there.

The door opened, and the familiar air of the room greeted me.

The room was neatly arranged and tidy.

But I didn't like it.

This isn't real.

It's just forced into this state, and no matter how neatly it's cleaned every single day, it'll eventually turn into a mess again.

My hands were trembling ever so slightly.

With trembling hands, I pulled a pipe from my pocket.

I filled it with tobacco leaves and sprinkled powder over them.

Crumbs of tobacco leaves and powder rained down from my fingertips.

I tried to strike a match, but my hands were shaking so much that I fumbled several times.

The matchstick broke, and I scratched the wrong spot.

I finally managed to strike a match and light it.

The moment the orange flame flared up, a blurry sensation of burning grazed my body.

The smell of burning flesh, my own screams, and the people who merely watched.

I lit the tobacco leaves and desperately inhaled the smoke.

But the smoke didn't travel down my windpipe to my lungs; it lingered in my mouth and dispersed.

I remembered the day I burned to death, when I inhaled smoke but didn't die, merely spitting out metallic sounds from my mouth.

The trembling didn't stop.

In fact, it seemed to get worse.

I placed the pipe, still emitting smoke, onto the table.

Then I picked up an ashtray within reach.

I held the heavy glass ashtray for a long time before throwing it against the wall.

CRASH!

The sound of glass shattering struck my ears.

Sharp fragments flew in all directions.

A glass with a bit of water in it.

The landscape painting Seraphina had gifted me, hanging on the wall.

The liquor bottles I had stashed in the corner.

I grabbed and threw everything I could get my hands on, smashing them.

The sounds of glass breaking, wood splintering, and liquid spilling filled the room.

Not long after, I heard someone knocking on the room door.

Knock, knock-knock.

BANG! BANG!

The knocking grew more aggressive.

I gasped for breath and approached the door.

Then I flung the door open.

Standing there was a female student from the next room, who had once clicked her tongue at me.

While there's always someone like that, today she looked at me with eyes that seemed particularly weary.

"You, at night, please be a little quieter..."

In that instant, the student's face overlapped with Lineta's.

Those frightened eyes that didn't recognize me.

Before she could finish her sentence, I grabbed her by the collar.

"Why can't you recognize me?!

I didn't want to be born such a messed-up person either!

I just, I just fucking didn't want to live in this fucked-up place!

Why me?! Why am I the only one living like this in such a place?!!"

My breath hitched in my throat.

My voice came out cracked.

Her face melted like candle wax, and this time, she looked like Levina.

Nothing about her pleased me: her distinctive gaze that occasionally appeared, or her mouth that calmly uttered nonsense after nonchalantly committing vile acts.

"If I hadn't been born such a messed-up person, but rather like those commoners, I wouldn't be living like this.

I could have done anything, literally anything!

In fact, if only you hadn't existed, I would have been happy!!

So why the fuck do I have to live like this!?"

Feeling dizzy, I looked down to see broken glass shards, spilled liquor, and a torn painting canvas mixed together on the floor.

And when I lifted my head again, this time I saw Seraphina.

Her tear-streaked face, not understanding me.

"It's because of you! All you had to do was trust me! You, of all people, should have trusted me!"

Even though I knew it was a hallucination, I knew everything, I knew that if I kept doing the same useless things like this, everything would be ruined, yet why was I acting this way?

But I couldn't stop.

I roughly pushed away the female student, who was still clutched by my collar, her eyes slightly terrified, staring as if at a madman.

I stumbled and bumped into the corridor wall.

Then I closed the door again and returned to my room.

BANG!

Self-loathing washed over me.

I stared blankly at the ruined room.

I pressed my eyes hard.

No tears came out.

Only the corners of my eyes felt slightly itchy.

I slumped onto the sofa.

At that moment, I felt a sharp pain in my backside.

Standing up, I found a small shard of glass embedded there.

I roughly pulled out the glass shard and tossed it carelessly behind me.

A drop of blood fell onto the floor.

I sat back down on the sofa.

I picked up the pipe that was on the table.

A faint warmth still lingered.

I picked up the box of powder Levina had given me and roughly poured its contents over the pipe.

The thick, sticky powder piled high on top of the tobacco leaves.

I struck a match and lit it.

As the powder burned, a toxic smell rose.

I paid no mind and inhaled the smoke deeply, very deeply.

I have a rough idea of what this is.

But without even this, I don't think I can pretend to be normal outside.

I continued to inhale and exhale the smoke.

The hazy smoke obscured my vision, filled the room, and kindly began to erase the thoughts that had been surfacing, one by one.

All the faces disappeared into the smoke.

The tension in my body released.

The throbbing headache vanished.

The trembling in my hands also stopped.

What I lack must be courage.

It had always been that way.

Therefore, I decided to make a potion of courage.

I picked up a still-intact liquor bottle rolling in the corner, opened its lid, poured in a suitable amount of the powder Levina had given me, then covered the opening with my finger and vigorously shook it.

The liquid and powder mixed, turning into a cloudy color.

And as I drank straight from the bottle, I somehow felt a surge of confidence.

Now, it felt like I could do anything.

I threw the empty bottle onto the floor.

And stood up.

****

I don't know why I suddenly wanted to stay in this small church.

But perhaps, God, who had always only taken from me, was trying to give me something.

From the first time we met, I felt as if I had found a lost family member, yet also like I was meeting a beloved person after a very long separation, and at the same time, a very sad feeling surfaced.

To the point where I wondered if I had truly fallen victim to some kind of sorcery.

And just as Lavin had said, whether it was heretical sorcery or the temptation of a demon, it didn't matter to me.

Because my mind seemed to have no intention of letting go of Lavin, who had taken over my empty heart.

Being in a church with nothing to do and no people is always boring.

But if it's time spent waiting for Lavin, who occasionally visits, it doesn't seem so bad.

Waiting, perhaps, can be sweeter than meeting.

I was standing in front of the altar, juggling three apples.

The red apples drew circles in the air.

Then, I heard the church door open.

Creak.

And Lavin entered.

Unlike usual, something was off about him.

Lavin's eyes were slightly unfocused, and his cheeks were faintly flushed.

But his lips and fingertips were strangely bluish.

His face was pale, and his whole body was drenched in sweat.

Lavin's steps wavered unsteadily.

The tips of his shoes kept catching on the floor, and his feet often went astray.

His complexion was excessively white, and sweat trickled down his temples.

He opened his lips to speak, but his words came out half-formed and lost their shape.

As if realizing he couldn't speak, Lavin trudged toward me.

And then, he just hugged me.

For a long time.

I felt his heart beating rapidly against my chest.

While still hugging me, he held my face and kissed me.

I thought he was just pressing his lips against mine.

But when Lavin inserted his tongue, my eyes widened in surprise.

I was embarrassed and greatly surprised, but I didn't push him away.

I couldn't push him away.

The moment our tongues lightly touched, along with a peculiar wine scent, I tasted a strange, astringent, earthy bitterness.

I had never imagined that my first kiss would taste bitter like this, rather than having an unusual or sweet sensation.

Nevertheless, I was happy because it was a kiss with Lavin.

Even though his appearance was far from normal.

Still, wasn't I the only one he could lean on when he was struggling?

Somehow, that thought made me happy.

Neither sweet nor a peculiar alcoholic scent, but an ominously heavy taste lingered in my mouth.

Not a bad odor, but a sticky and unclean taste.

To erase it, I took a bite of an apple, and then, thinking Lavin wouldn't be able to catch it if I threw it, I walked closer and placed an apple in his hand.

Lavin smiled looking at the apple.

It was a childlike smile.

"Thank you."

He said that and nibbled on the apple.

Then Lavin sat blankly on a long bench and called my name.

"Estelle."

"Uh, uh-huh."

"How was the kiss?"

"It was different from what I expected."

I blushed and stammered slightly.

"But, it was good."

"That's a relief."

Lavin put the apple he was eating aside and hugged me tightly again.

His body was trembling faintly.

"Then, will you grant my request?"

"......Request?"

"You said you'd do anything."

"......Ah, uh-huh."

"Can you bring Duchess Edelgard here without anyone finding out?"

Hearing that, I momentarily stopped breathing.

"I'll do anything, even more than a kiss, please. Please bring her."

Lavin hugged me tightly and pleaded.

Even attempting to kneel.

I was flustered and helped him up.

"If I just bring that person, will you return to normal?"

At those words, Lavin looked up at me with unfocused eyes.

And he replied in a very calm voice.

"I am normal right now."