The Kingpin's Possession

88: Didn’t Want to Change Anything

Kit:Kit adjusted the strap of his vest, the unfamiliar weight pressing down on his shoulders as he stood in the shooting range. The gear felt strange, heavy, and bulky, but he forced himself to get used to it. Ben was by his side, moving around to check on his positioning, adjusting Kit’s stance and lightly pressing his shoulder to correct his posture.

Any other time, it would’ve been calming, having Ben here. But, now there was an unspoken tension that Kit needed to sort out. Ben seemed to take everything in stride, unbothered by the pressure that Kit constantly felt bearing down on him.

"Relax, Kit," Ben murmured, stepping back and giving a warm smile. "You’re too tense. You need to be steady before you can shoot."

Kit nodded, swallowing hard as he fixed his eyes on the target. He tried to breathe slowly, following Ben’s instructions, but every time he saw Ben’s easy grin or heard his laugh as he explained something new, an odd feeling settled in Kit’s chest. Guilt, like a dark cloud creeping in, makes him glance away. He didn’t even know why he felt it, but it was there, heavy and unsettling.

After a few rounds, Ben noticed the way Kit kept sneaking glances his way, his face clouded over with that same look of unease. Kit tried to brush it off, to act like he was focusing, but Ben caught on too quickly.

"Hey," Ben finally said, leaning against the side of the booth. "What’s going on with you? You look like you’re about to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. If it’s about our mission coming up, you don’t need to worry. I’ve got your back, Kit. You don’t have to do this alone."

Kit bit his lip, looking down at his hands. He felt warmth in Ben’s words, but it wasn’t enough to shake the feeling glaring at him. Before he could think twice, he let the question slip.

"Ben," he began, his voice barely more than a murmur, "since when have you… felt this way about me?"

The question seemed to hang in the air, thick and sudden. Ben’s smile faded, his eyes widening slightly as he processed what Kit had just said. For a moment, he was silent, taken aback, and Kit could almost see the wheels turning in his mind.

"Who told you that?" Ben asked, his tone cautious, laced with curiosity. "Was it Prem? Or… Earth?"

Kit’s mouth opened, then closed. He hadn’t expected Ben to react like this, to go so quiet and thoughtful. He felt a pang of regret, like maybe he shouldn’t have asked, like maybe this was a can of worms better left untouched. But now it was too late to take it back.

"No one told me," Kit lied quickly, shifting his gaze to the floor so Ben wouldn’t figure it out and be mad at their friends. "I just… I don’t know, I kind of figured it out. It’s just, you’re always… there. Always protecting me, always supporting me any way you can. And sometimes I feel like—well, like I’m not giving anything back."

Ben’s expression softened, the initial shock giving way to a gentler, almost understanding look. "Kit," he said quietly, "you don’t owe me anything. I’m here because I want to be. You don’t have to feel guilty about that."

Kit’s fingers tightened around the gun, his gaze fixed on the target in front of him. Ben was still beside him, but the air between them had shifted, growing tense and uncertain. Kit could feel it in the way Ben’s shoulders slumped, the brightness in his smile dimming. He hadn’t meant to let his guilt slip, hadn’t wanted Ben to see the look on his face. But now, the truth hung heavy between them, unspoken yet unmistakable.

Ben sighed softly, glancing away. “I knew, you know,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “I knew from the start that no matter what, you wouldn’t… feel the same way toward me.”

Kit looked over, taken aback by the quiet pain in Ben’s eyes. It felt wrong, seeing him like this, so vulnerable and open. Ben, who was always so steady, so sure of himself, was now uncertain, almost hesitant.

“Ben…” Kit started, but Ben shook his head, cutting him off gently.

“I didn’t want you to find out,” Ben continued, his voice calm but laced with sadness that Kit hadn’t expected. “I wanted to keep it from you as long as I could. I didn’t want you to feel… obligated to respond just because we’re friends. Just because we’ve known each other since high school.”

Kit’s chest tightened, a dull ache spreading through him. He hadn’t thought of it that way, hadn’t realized that Ben had been carrying this alone, all to spare him. The thought made his guilt grow, twisting inside him, sharp and unforgiving.

“I’m sorry,” Kit murmured, looking down at his hands. “I didn’t mean to make things harder for you, Ben. I just… I feel bad about the whole thing. I feel like I should’ve seen it sooner.”

Ben’s smile was faint, barely there, but it was enough to ease the ache just a little. “You don’t have to apologize, Kit,” he said softly. “I didn’t want you to know because I didn’t want this to change anything between us. I didn’t want you to feel like you had to pretend or give something back just because we’re close.”

Kit nodded, but the guilt lingered, a shadow he couldn’t shake. He had always valued Ben’s friendship, the way they could talk about anything, share their worries, and laugh at memories from school. But now, with this unspoken truth out in the open, he wasn’t sure if he could look at Ben the same way without feeling the weight of his inability to reciprocate.

After a long silence, Ben looked at him, his expression almost unreadable. “So… now that you know,” he said slowly, “does it change anything? Does it make you… see me any differently?”

Kit swallowed, the question catching him off guard. He opened his mouth, then closed it, searching for the right words. Did it change anything? He didn’t know. It was hard to untangle his emotions, the weight of loyalty to P’Kim, the bond he had with Ben, and the guilt swirling through him. But he had to be honest.

“No,” he said quietly. “It doesn’t change how I feel about you, Ben. You’re my friend. You’ve always been my friend, and I don’t want that to change.”

Ben nodded, though there was something unspoken in his gaze, a hint of sadness that he couldn’t quite hide. “And what about… P’Kim?” he asked, his voice soft but steady. “Does this—now that you know how I feel—does it… make you feel any less for him?”

Kit didn’t hesitate; the words came to him without effort. “My feelings for P’Kim won’t ever change,” he said, his voice steady and certain.

Ben gave a small, almost resigned nod, but Kit caught the glint of sadness in his friend’s eyes. And in that moment, a sharp pang of guilt struck him. He hadn’t known, hadn’t seen the signs, or understood the feeling that Ben had been carrying. For so long, he’d taken Ben’s quiet support for granted, never realizing there was more beneath it.

“I’m sorry, Ben,” Kit said, his gaze falling to the ground. “I… I didn’t know. I feel bad, not knowing. Like I should have seen it somehow.”

Ben’s face softened, and he shook his head, his tone gentle. “Kit, don’t be sorry. If anything, it’s better you didn’t know.” He glanced away, then back at Kit, his expression calm yet revealing a hint of what he’d been keeping hidden. “If you’d found out earlier, it would’ve just made things awkward. Strained everything we have.”

He understood, in some way, what Ben meant. If he’d known about Ben’s feelings from the start, he might have worried more, second-guessed himself, or changed the way he acted around him. And that thought stung. He couldn’t imagine losing the easy, comforting bond they’d shared for years, a friendship that had been one of the constants in his life.