novelraw Chapter 110: His Fear
Chapter 110: His Fear
The next afternoon, Austin visited the east wing alone without Alina. Cecily was standing by the window. She turned when he entered. Her face softened with surprise and happiness. Even after so many visits, she still wasn’t used to him simply walking in to meet her.
"You look terrible," she said.
"Thank you."
"When did you last sleep properly?"
Instead of answering, he sat on the sofa. She moved away from the window and sat beside him, shoulder to shoulder, like they used to as children.
"It’s been a while since you came alone," she said.
"Alina is at the sewing circle," he replied.
"I know where she is," she said. "I’m asking why you came without her. You two usually arrive together."
He didn’t answer. Instead, he began looking around the room.
"I needed to talk to you," he said, hesitating a little. "Without her here."
"About what?"
He went quiet again. He didn’t have the courage yet. Cecily understood and decided to confront him directly.
"Austin. I’m going to ask you something, and I want you to answer honestly."
"Okay."
"Do you have feelings for Alina?"
The room seemed to freeze. Austin stared at Cecily in stunned silence, not knowing what to say.
"I don’t know," he replied.
"You do know," she said softly.
"Cecily..."
He bent forward with his elbows on his knees.
"I have...I have feelings for her," he finally confessed. "But I don’t know if it’s...." he didn’t finish.
"It’s love, Austin."
"I know."
"Then say it."
"I can’t."
"Why not?"
He lifted his head and looked at her with fear in his eyes. The kind of fear Cecily hadn’t seen since in his eyes since they were children.
"Because of Father."
The word dropped between them like a stone into still water. The ripples spread slowly, touching old wounds.
"Father?" Cecily repeated.
"You remember," Austin said.
"I remember."
They sat in silence for a long time, both seeing the same memories.
Their father had married their mother because he loved her. She had been his bed warmer for two years before he married her. Their marriage was easy because their mother was a friend of the queen and everyone accepted her because of that relationship.
And then they were born and suddenly everything changed. His father started keeping mistresses within two years after Cecily was born. At first he was discreet and their mother pretended not to know but soon the news spread.
There were constant fights. Two people who once loved each other were destroying that love with cruelty.
As a result, their mother fell apart slowly. She stopped eating, stopped drinking, and eventually stopped talking. She just sat in her room and looked at the wall. The woman who used to run the duke’s household, argue with merchants, laugh at dinner, disappeared. And then she got sick and soon died.
She died when Austin was twelve and Cecily was six. They stood at the funeral, and watched their father cry over the woman he had killed with neglect,
Cecily rested her head on Austin’s shoulder and he wrapped his arms around her. They both cried quietly, sharing the grief of siblings who had watched their mother die because of their father.
"I’m afraid," Austin said. "That I’ll be like him."
Cecily lifted her head and looked at him.
"You’re not Father."
"How can you be sure?"
She grabbed his arm and forced him to look at her.
"Because Father loved Mother when loving her was easy. When the marriage was approved and the court was welcoming her. When it stopped being easy, when children arrived and the novelty faded and the excitement vanished...he went looking for the excitement somewhere else. Because his love was conditional."
She paused and tightened her grip on his arm.
"But your love for Alina is not easy. You didn’t fall in love with her because it was convenient. You fell in love with her because she challenges you daily."
"But that doesn’t mean I won’t hurt her," he said. "And this is the reason I’ve never touched any of my bed warmers. Because I don’t want to get involved and become like Father. But Alina...she makes it difficult."
"You can never hurt her," Cecily said. "I know you Austin. You’re the kind of person who will hurt yourself but won’t let anything happen to the person you love."
He looked at her, still struggling to believe her words.
"I don’t want to say the word and then fail her," he whispered.
"Then don’t fail her. Let her help you. That’s what love is. It’s not a promise you’ll never stumble, but a promise that someone will be there to catch you when you do."
"Since when did you become so wise?" He caressed her hair.
"I’ve always been wise," she replied.
He smiled and hugged her.
"Think about it," she said. "Think about the difference between Father and you."
She pulled back.
"Can you think of stopping loving Alina?" she asked.
Austin shook his head without any hesitation.
"That’s what I’m talking about," she said. "You and Father can never be the same."
Later that evening, Austin sat in his chair in the library with a military book open on the table in front of him. He had read the same paragraph three times.
Alina sat opposite him and had been on the same page for nearly an hour. He looked up, noticed the unmoving page and the distant look in her eyes.
"You’ve stopped turning the pages," he said.
"It’s a slow part."
"You’re on the Chapter about irrigation systems."
She glanced down. He was right. She had been staring at agricultural water management for forty minutes without reading a single word.
"Irrigation is... interesting," she said, forcing a smile.
"Nothing about water systems is interesting to anyone except Lord Ashby and a few dead historians."
"Then I guess... I have something in common with them."
He smiled. She watched him smile and those thoughts returned, uninvited.
I love you.
I love the way your smile begins- hesitant and careful, like it’s deciding whether to spread or not.
I love you.