novelraw Chapter 783 - 762: Unspeakable
Chapter 783 - 762: Unspeakable
"What are you hiding from?" Fang Chuning teased as he looked at him.
Xie Jue, wearing thin inner clothes soaked through by the hot springs, the fabric clinging closely to his bamboo-like physique, outlined a mesmerizing beauty. The Shadow Guard’s words made his already flushed face, heated by the steam, grow even redder, nearly burning. With a stern voice, he commanded, "Turn around!"
"Shy, are you? There’s no Shadow Guard here!" Fang Chuning chuckled as he gazed at him. Xie Jue’s expression darkened, brewing a storm, prompting Fang Chuning to step back, deciding not to provoke him further.
Calming his emotions, Xie Jue couldn’t help but ask, "What did the Marshal discuss with you? You talked for so long."
His back bore no scars, nor did it reveal any gloom—suggesting the Marshal hadn’t noticed anything. Fang Chuning replied casually, "Just some Jiangnan military affairs."
"Military affairs, and yet you talked all day?"
"Jiangnan’s military affairs are complicated. If truly discussed in depth, it could take five or six days. This is my first time fully engaging with Jiangnan’s army. After our envoy task, Father will station troops on the border, awaiting our return." Fang Chuning lowered his gaze. Xie Jue immediately knew he wasn’t being truthful. Such matters ought to have been delegated to him long ago by the Marshal.
Fang Chuning remained tight-lipped, as though this didn’t concern them directly. Xie Jue refrained from probing any further.
"Sometimes I truly envy the father-son bond you share with the old Marquis," Fang Chuning suddenly said, out of nowhere. Xie Jue, struggling to suppress the heat rising within, furrowed his brows at his words.
"What’s wrong?"
Fang Chuning let out a bitter smile. "The relationship between me and my father is even more distant than that of strangers. Other than discussing official business, we have nothing to say to one another. Isn’t that laughable?"
Xie Jue found it difficult to speak on other people’s family matters. He held some grievances toward the Marshal himself—particularly for the harsh punishments Marshal Fang had inflicted on Fang Chuning, which Xie Jue couldn’t understand.
Coming from a father who combined authority with kindness, Xie Jue felt that even if one wanted their child to excel, such extreme severity was unwarranted. Moreover, after having Ruyi, despite wishing for Ruyi to cultivate both literary and martial skills and to one day stand independently, Xie Jue’s greater hope was for Ruyi to grow up healthily, joyfully, and at peace.
Although it was because of Xie Zhang that he spoiled Ruyi, if he ever truly became a father himself, he would undoubtedly still hope for his child to grow healthily and at peace.
His father, back then, had also hoped for their three brothers to achieve success, taking them to the battlefield from a young age, honing their characters and broadening their horizons through real combat. The beatings from their father were rare, except for Xie Xun, who received them more often—and not a single one without reason, each earned by his own actions.
Perhaps out of personal bias, Xie Jue felt that the hardships Fang Chuning experienced as a child were fundamentally unnecessary. Did those beatings, those punishments, really shape Fang Chuning? Would he not have excelled even without them?
Xie Jue didn’t know!
Still, those experiences undeniably molded Fang Chuning. To love someone meant you couldn’t deny any part of their past, as it was the sum of those days that created the living person before you now. Therefore, even as he harbored grievances against the Marshal, part of him still felt gratitude.
"Fathers and sons under heaven each have their own ways of relating. Perhaps you and the Marshal simply share this particular dynamic. There’s no need to compare yourselves to others."
Fang Chuning understood this well. Yet the void in his heart, the longed-for affection he had lacked since childhood, was never filled by anyone. No approval from any elder, no expectations placed upon him, could compare to one sentence of recognition from his father—something he had never received. This very absence made the longing grow, insatiable and unending.
"I’ve long told myself I’ve grown up, that I am no longer the boy who yearns for his father’s love. Whether he loves me or not doesn’t matter. But I... I’ve only been lying to myself."
"What’s happened?" Xie Jue could sense his sadness and, for the moment, set aside their Chu River Han Border tension. "Would you like to tell me?"
"Since childhood, I’ve overheard countless rumors—that Father and Mother didn’t marry willingly, that he married her out of helplessness, and that he doesn’t love me. At the Imperial College, one year, I fought with Li Si. He told me my mother had killed his aunt. In a rage, I fought him until both our heads were bloodied. When I returned home, Father punished me with ten lashes, saying I was impulsive and quick-tempered, that I needed to learn to control my emotions. After that whipping, I asked Mother about it, and seeing her tears, I resolved that I would grow strong and self-reliant, no longer needing to rely on the reputation of being Marshal Fang’s only son. I would carve out my own bloody path to success. From then on, I told myself not to expect his affection, yet I discovered—I’ve only deceived myself." Fang Chuning continued, "Oddly enough, in recent years, his attitude toward me has softened, far less severe than when I was younger. I thought, finally, he might harbor a shred of recognition for me—that all the suffering he put me through was his way of shaping me into a qualified Junior General. But I’ve realized I was wrong. In his heart, I remain the son he never expected anything of. No matter how hard I strive, I can never become his pride. If I make even the tiniest mistake—no, it’s not even a mistake—he can still say the cruelest things to me."