novelraw Chapter 954 Mess, guilt, remorse, loathe (2)
Chapter 954 Mess, guilt, remorse, loathe (2)
Since Jin had grabbed onto her arms, Alix didn't feel much shy in grabbing his collar and crumpling it into her fist. Her eyes glazed with an inexplicable fierceness.
"Don't cry like a baby, Liu Jin. Are you so crippled by your mistakes that you cannot face them anymore? Then more than half of the world should be lying comatose right now! But people still keep moving on, right? People still try to find hope in their lives. Do you see this world dead in your eyes? Then why do you think that you are so special?
You are not the only one who has made some irredeemable mistakes! I...By the time I realized that my whole life was a lie, everything had gone so wrong by that point that there was no turning back for me. I thought dying was my only salvation but...let's just say the Gods weren't quite done with my repentance."
Jin's brows slightly moved as he stared at her, exhaling trembling breaths.
He was angry. He was still very angry with Alix's interference. Yet he remained still as she lashed out at him.
"So here I am once again. I know the purpose of my life and honestly, it's not a thrilling life to live. Not when...each and every mistake of yours keeps burning in your very soul until you feel like you cannot breathe. That flame never goes out. The mistakes don't turn into ashes. There is no hope that they would get scattered away by the wind one day and I can finally live my life without this fucking mountain of burden crashing down on me!"
Jin inhaled a sharp breath. He didn't know why but every word escaping her lips struck his heart akin to a knife piercing it. Her words were expressing exactly how he felt towards Shui. The hands gripping her arms trembled.
Alix bitterly laughed. "But I am still standing on my feet. Because I don't know how else I would face myself. If I collapse right now, then what am I supposed to do with this life? So I am doing what every person who makes mistakes does. Fixing it! Fixing the havoc that I left behind because of my stupidity! Trust me Liu Jin. In face of what I have done, your mistakes...amount to nothing."
Jin stared into her almost teary eyes that slightly shone with the setting sun's light cast on her face. She was holding back her tears with all her might because it was a weakness she didn't want anybody to see.
I want to love her, Alix. I want to love her too the way Bro Jun loves Zhou Ai. The way Dad protects Mom. The way Grandpa bickers with Grandma. I want to do all these things with her too. But..." the light in his gaze began to fade away.
"I see myself in the mirror everyday and I think to myself that I cannot be so shameless to wish for this. Not with what I have done. Shui..." he said very slowly, "has forgiven me. She wants me to move past it. But I-I am not able to accept her generosity, Alix. I-It's crazy, right? She forgives me but I cannot forgive myself.
Do you know why Kang Xiao is her friend? Not because they naturally grew closer because of you. She...she wants to show me that being with her doesn't bother her. She wants to tell me that 'Look. I can face Kang Xiao. I don't feel uncomfortable around her. I don't care what relationship you had with her in the past, but that doesn't affect our present.'"
Jin tightly clasped his hands together, slightly gritting his teeth. "I am not making any sense, am I? But sometimes...we fall in our own eyes so badly that nothing fixes it anymore. Even the forgiveness from the person we hurt feels like torture.
You said you have made some irredeemable mistakes too. Then tell me. If you have hurt the person you care about so much, how easy is it to look into their eyes and not get ashamed of ourselves?"
Alix parted her lips as the realization finally set in. The blur picture became clearer to her and her firm grip automatically released itself from his collar.
Ah...
That's what he means...
He cannot face Shui like how I...cannot face Lin.