My Alleged Husband

Chapter 335 - 315: Self-Esteem and Arrogance_1

"Xia Jing, do I, Zhang Zhentian, really hold no place in your heart anymore? Am I truly worthless to you now, amounting to nothing at all? Our decade of marriage, can you really just forget it all that easily? What more do I have to do to beg for you to come back to my side? I’ve told you countless times, that incident was my fault. I shouldn’t have been so narrow-minded. If it wasn’t for my narrow-mindedness, we wouldn’t have ended up this way. But you need to try and see things from my perspective. If you were to hear that I had treated my own health as a lie, how would you feel inside? I’m only like this because I care too much about you, that’s why I worry. I only spoke those words because I love you too much... Why can’t you be more understanding of my heartfelt efforts? Why do you insist on being contrary to me? Do you know how lonely I’ve been without you during this time? I often wake up from my sleep in fear, scared that you have left my side. Yet, each time I awake and find that all this is reality, a reality that I’ve created myself!" Zhentian said, his eyes flickering with emotion. For the first time, he had placed someone so deeply into his heart, regarded them as so important that he had humbled himself repeatedly to beg for that person’s return. This was a first in his life for him with a woman.

As Xia Jing heard Zhentian express these words, her heart was truly moved. Tears had already begun to slide down her cheeks, yet no matter what, she couldn’t afford to be soft-hearted now. She knew that if she softened now, she would be the one to endure blame in the future. They had already separated once; should they reconcile now, only to divorce again over another lie?

"Zhentian, please don’t be like this. It really hurts me inside. We’ve already reached this point today. Can’t we just let go of any bitterness? If we meet again in the future, let’s just be friends. If you continue to plead with me, we will become strangers the next time we meet!" Xia Jing wiped away the tears from the corners of her eyes with her hand.

"Don’t you really want to give us another chance? In your eyes, am I someone who, once I make a mistake, can never be a good person for the rest of my life? Can’t you give me another chance? This time, I will not treat you like I did before. I won’t let you suffer, or shed any tears because of me. I beg you to stay by my side, don’t leave me again. After so many years of marriage, I’ve grown so used to your company. Without you, I simply can’t live on my own. Do you really want to see me turn into a walking corpse?"

"In your heart, you are just accustomed to my company, but you never considered what I truly felt about being with you. Your heart has always been filled with yourself; you never once considered the person by your side. You always say that I am cold and heartless, but in truth, it is you who are the heartless one. Your methods are colder than mine. Yet time and again, I chose to continue with you because you are the man I struggled so hard to be with. But today, I really can’t forgive you and walk hand in hand with you again. Every word you’ve spoken has left a deep imprint on my heart, causing me everlasting pain. Every harsh word you said still echoes in my mind, and I can never believe those were uttered by the man I loved most. I can never face those words, spoken by my own man to me. I keep deluding myself, lying to myself, hiding from the truth, telling myself that those words were not said by you, just a figment of my dreams. But the reality is, did you not say those things? Every word came from your own mouth, isn’t that true? Your heart has long been void of me. Why should I keep clinging to you and stay by your side? How would that benefit you?"

"Whether you call me selfish or cold-hearted, today I won’t let you just leave me. You are my woman, and that can never change in this lifetime. Don’t even think about escaping from my side again."

"Do you think it’s necessary to behave this way now? Your actions just make me sick, do you know that? If you regret it now, why did you have to act like that in the beginning? When you spoke those words to me, didn’t you ever consider that you might one day regret them? I warned you not to regret it back then, you said you would never. Now that you’re regretting it, you want me back? Why? Do I deserve to be abandoned by you time after time? Do I deserve to be deceived by you over and over again? I was willing to be deceived by you once, twice, because my heart had you in it. But once you’re completely erased from my heart, there’s no way you could ever deceive me again, because you hold no place in my heart. How could I fall for your deception again? Sometimes I think about all we’ve been through together, yet in the end, it’s unforgivable that we still ended up separating. It really irks me that despite caring so much for you, you had to turn our relationship into this. Why can’t you give me a bit more trust? The day you began to doubt me, the moment you lost trust in me, from those times you started to disbelieve me little by little, our separation was destined. A marriage without trust will never last. Sometimes I despise myself; why did I have to regard you so highly and let you hurt me time after time? When everyone thought I was a fool for wanting to be with you, I still incontrovertibly chose to be with you. When you wanted to leave me, I shamelessly begged you not to. But today, I will not do that any longer, because it has made me lose all my self-respect. I feel utterly undignified. For your sake, I’ve forsaken my self-respect and pride, but it hasn’t led to the outcome I desired..."