My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1253 - 1082: My Childhood

"Does anyone know how I spent my childhood? Living in constant fear, who among you has ever considered that, in your eyes, perhaps every decision I made, every single thing I did was a mistake? But do you know the kind of damage you once caused me? I can never forget, I have never been able to forget, how those repeated injuries engraved themselves in my heart, making me endure all the pain and torture. I longed desperately for this to not be real, enough to make myself understand step by step the final outcome and pain I reached, accepting all the harm over and over again, making everything in the depths of my heart feel different. Who ever thought about how painful my life truly was?"

Zhang Yichen now feels that the experiences his father had over the years outside were just a colorful life journey, experiences that he had never had. He too wanted to break free a few times, to live recklessly for once, but over the years, he became so focused on proving to the world that he was a decent man that he forgot what he truly wanted.

"Dad, do you know? When I hear you talk about these life experiences, deep down, I am mostly envious of you. I admire you more, for being able to live outside so freely for so long, to live freely without worrying about everything at home, just for your own happiness. But I can’t. I’ve spent my whole life running around for the sake of the entire family. I’ve never known what it’s like to live for myself. I haven’t even tried to live on my own!"

Perhaps it’s because of our different experiences that our attitudes towards everything differ. You’ve been living a happy, carefree, free life outside, but as for me, I’ve been undergoing devilish training here. At that time, I really hated you. I’ve said these words no less than a hundred times, proclaiming to the whole world that I truly hate you all, refusing to acknowledge you as my parents. You never stayed by my side or accompanied me. All you ever gave me was harm. As parents, you failed your responsibilities. Instead, you hurt us time and time again. Perhaps deep down, you never thought I was worthy of being your son.

It is out of fear that you think I’m unworthy of being your son that I gave everything I had. I spent my youth, my time, my childhood entirely on training because I wanted you to know I am truly your son. I am worthy of being your son, but are you truly worthy of being my parents? Deep down, you know better than anyone else that you are not the most suitable ones. There are far too many parents more perfect than you in this world. Even poor parents would stay with their children through hardships, no matter how tough life was. But you?

With the slightest disturbance, you were unwilling to stay with your own child. You treated your child like a blade of grass, picking it up when you wanted and discarding it when you didn’t. Where am I, your son, placed in all of this? What kind of position have I held in your hearts from the beginning to now? I don’t understand why you would rather wander than stay by my side. Is it so painful for you to be with me, or do you feel that I will only ever be suited for this place?

Mom and Dad, there are some things I really don’t want to repeat over and over, because it only reopens the wounds in my heart every time. When I remember those years you abandoned me, remember how I struggled alone through childhood, enduring the ridicule of others, my heart feels as if it’s being sliced by a knife.

But I have no choice, I really have no way of letting go of all the things from the past so easily. You can pretend not to care about any of the past. You can treat all that happened as if it never occurred, but I can’t, because they are the pains imposed upon me by others!

I truly wish time could turn back. I wish more than anyone else that if time could just rewind a little, I wouldn’t have to live so painstakingly as I do now.

If only time could retreat a little, I could have lived happily and joyfully. I would definitely not give up my childhood, allowing it to dwell in painful memories. Now, whenever I recall what I’ve been through, recollect the bits and pieces of my childhood, my heart can hardly believe it. Was that truly a child’s childhood? Why is it that other children’s childhoods are bright and sunny, but mine is dark and damp?

We’re all children, yet why is there such a huge gap between my childhood and others’? Is it because I was born into a wealthy family, I had to accept the fate of being abandoned by my parents, had to accept falling down again and again, then resiliently getting back up, and facing everyone’s sneers with a smile?

I’m unwilling, I’m truly unwilling. There are many things you’re unwilling about, so why can’t my heart be unwilling just once? I’ve given so much, so why is this the result I ended up with? If I had known it would all turn out like this, why would I have chosen to be born from you in the first place? Why would you give birth to me, making me endure such pain?"

"Child, don’t say anymore. Over the years, we know how you’ve lived. You’ve lived with incredible hardship, all you’ve achieved was thanks to your own efforts. You’ve never asked anything from anyone, and precisely because of this, we as parents feel even more pained deep within. We never intended to hurt you this way. We just wanted you to live a stable, peaceful life.

But why have I ended up causing you such pain, making me feel as though being a parent has lost its meaning? I no longer know how to bring happiness to my children!

You’re right; we have indeed not been qualified parents because we haven’t fulfilled any responsibilities to you. We’ve brought you a lot of pain. Can your heart forgive me? But please don’t take your anger out on your mother. What she did was out of force; I forced her. She never intended to abandon you. She never wanted to give up her own child. That time, she was holding you, and I had to drag her away. She wouldn’t let go no matter what. She couldn’t bear it because you’re the child she painfully carried for ten months, you’re her own flesh and blood!"

"Actually, it doesn’t matter anymore who forced whom. Today, I just wanted to pour out all the thoughts I’ve had deep down over these years. I no longer want to trap myself forever in a small room, no longer want to live my life in painful memories. I just want you to know that I’ve forgiven you. Without forgiveness, I wouldn’t be saying these things to you, because I have no obligation, nor the responsibility, to alleviate your guilt!"

Guilt can change all the thoughts and methods inside a person. Everyone changes everything as time goes by!