My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1140 - 1000 A Qualified Husband

Zhang Yichen actually knew very well in his heart that he could not blame his mother for this matter. His mom did not make many mistakes; he was just blinded by his own freedom at that time. He didn’t know what he really wanted back then, and he was too young, easily forgetting that he had a family, kids, and even elderly people who needed his care.

"I’ve said that no matter when or where, I will never blame you for the past. We have been through so much already, and you know how scared I am. I fear losing my family, and I’m even afraid of that feeling of losing and regaining. When you left and then returned to this home, I was so joyful, so happy, so blessed. But when you returned home and chose to leave again, did you ever stop to think how desperate and lost I felt at that moment?

I longed for years for my father and mother to finally return home, but eventually, for other reasons, they still chose to leave again at that moment. My inner world collapsed. I never expected my parents to be so heartless, willing to abandon their own son time and again, choosing this way to treat their own son. I once thought, regretting everything — If time could go back, I wouldn’t want to be your child, because I live so tired, so very tired. I have put in so much effort to become the child you desire most, and how many people have struggled like me? How many have truly considered things from my perspective? No one has been able to understand the pain I suffered. I made it today relying on my own strong heart, reaching this achievement without anyone’s help.

All these years, although you were not by my side, I received the best education because my grandfather gave his sincere love to me, giving me all the love meant for my parents. I grew up in an environment filled with his love, not lacking in any care. I am just unwilling, unwilling that all other children have parental love while I do not. I’m unwilling that other children get their parents’ best affection without any effort, while I have given my everything and still can’t earn even a little bit of true love from my parents.

As a child, I truly am scared. I never anticipated one day becoming this fearful. The experience of losing and regaining nearly drove me mad. I abandoned all my rationality so long as you could stay by my side. I could want nothing, care for nothing, but in the end, I found that even if I gave up everything, wanted nothing, it still wouldn’t bring me your love. That kind of love is innate, but you do not have it for me. Perhaps from the very beginning, you never saw me as your child, yet I still feel happy because you brought me into this world, letting me see its vibrant scenery, and receiving all the care and love from my grandfather. That kind of love isn’t something everyone can experience, and how many nights did he go without sleep for me?

When I was hospitalized from illness and was nearing the point of meeting Yama, my grandfather stayed up all night there, accompanying me. But where were my parents, living freely and leisurely outside, gaining their freedom and yet abandoning their son? Who did I owe, what pressure did I put on you that led you to treat me this way in this life?

I used to think that if I crossed great mountains and waters, I could find my parents. Gradually, I realized I couldn’t, because my mom and dad weren’t in the same region as me. They never thought of staying by my side, hence they were very far, far away, going to a place maybe I can never find in this lifetime. Only they know they are living the life they desire, laughing and enjoying each day there, while I, my grandfather, my family, my children, and my wife suffer here, living in unbearable pain.

When my wife changed on that day, I knew what I had lost for you. I lost the wife who loved me the most. She sacrificed so much for me, choosing to be with me despite her parents’ opposition, and yet I let her down. Seeing her in that state, I truly don’t know how to explain to my parents-in-law.

You once only knew to blame her, but did you ever think that as parents you shouldn’t protect your own child? When you blamed her, did you ever consider how her parents would feel knowing their child’s inner sadness? That is their precious daughter, their only child. They entrusted their only daughter to me, and I caused her harm. Now she’s become this kind, I’m ashamed to face them. I have no way to keep going with the way I’ve let everything fall apart, and who has thought about how difficult my own life is? I sincerely wish everyone at home could live happily, but in the end, I got nothing.

Perhaps I was too self-deceiving, causing everything to become this way. But do you know, what they call love is a belief’s heart. At that time, I couldn’t understand all these reactions, yet I dared not approach because I feared my wife would reject me. But do you know? Just seeing my wife paralyzes all my nerves; I can only breathe secretly. I dare not cry out loud for fear of scaring her, afraid she would dodge me, unwilling to be with me. Many would find confidants in swirling smoke, but what I have is only my wife, my children, my happy family. Yet now this happy family is shattered, and I don’t know in what way to salvage it. I’ve thought about what would become of this home one day, about how my spouse and I would interact.

To think so many years have passed, my wife has become my endeavor. She turned by love into this family’s effort, selflessly dedicating her whole life, yet I have never considered her feelings. How failed I’ve been in everything I’ve done, I have no right to say you aren’t competent parents, for I’m not even a competent husband. Here lies my greatest failure, having led my wife to this kind of state."