My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1092 - 944: Fear of Death

"Child, you have never experienced the feeling of death looming over you. I’m scared, you know? Do you know how I’ve lived these years? I don’t want that feeling to suffocate me again. I’ve really had enough of it. Maybe you think my thoughts are foolish and naive. If I had known it would end like this, I wouldn’t have chosen to live this way. But doesn’t everyone make mistakes? Do my mistakes mean I can never be forgiven? Must I endure others’ insults and finger-pointing for the rest of my life?"

"I know you’re filled with resentment towards me inside. I understand, but please, considering how hard I’ve tried not to live an ordinary life, think about my feelings too."

"I truly don’t know how to tell you about how I felt during that time, but today I can share all my feelings with you."

...

"Zhentian, if there’s a next life, I would still want to live with you. Because you’re really a good man. But now, I can’t continue living with you. The paths we’ve chosen have already determined the endings we’ll face, so I don’t want that ending to make things even more awkward for us."

"Since today is the last time we’ll meet, just listen to my thoughts. When I was with you, looking at you, my heart suddenly skipped a beat at that moment. I knew at that moment I was deeply captivated by you, and nothing in this life could change that."

"But later, I realized that even though I loved you so much, in your heart, I was nothing. I don’t know why you chose to be with me back then, but when I was with you, it wasn’t because of your money, your family background, or your status. If I cared about those, I could have chosen a man a thousand times better off than you long ago. But I didn’t. I know I am just a commoner’s daughter, that I’m not a match for a daughter of a Wealthy Family. Your father initially opposed us being together. I truly felt heartbroken then. I never imagined my path to love would be so bumpy. But when I saw you step forward to confront your father for me, I realized you truly loved me. Whether that love was real or had other motives, I felt comforted. From that moment, I didn’t want much. I just hoped that the person I loved could give to me unconditionally, love me, genuinely treat me as his own, sincerely include me in his life plans."

"Although the decisions we made back then felt unbelievable for both of us, when I think about those youthful, reckless days, aren’t they precious memories for us? Thinking back to that time makes me really happy. Thank you for leaving me with so many memories, memories I’ll never forget in this lifetime. Whether you forget or not, I can’t control your thoughts. Maybe you’ll turn away and forget, but I won’t. From the beginning, I truly loved you, yet you chose to use me. Now, there’s no need to try and explain anything to me. My intuition was quite accurate. Despite knowing you were using me, I still followed your footsteps. Even if I knew I’d be hurt and shattered in the end, I was willing to be with you. I never sought anything else. But in the end, what did you give me? In exchange, I got your mistrust and doubt. What’s the use of such a marriage? It would be better to end early. This marriage wasn’t the happiest for either of us. During that time, I don’t know if you were happy, but I was truly happy and the happiest. The happiest time in my life was in those years when you were willing to give up everything at home to wander the world with me, with no place to call home. I’m grateful for this, and I can never repay what you gained from me. I know you lost a lot, and precisely because you lost so much, I have no way to make it up to you. But I hope you know this: since you’ve made your decision, don’t think about reconciling with me. It’s an unrealistic thought...

I’ve said everything I needed to say. You should think about what you want to say too. After all, today is the last time we’ll meet. If you don’t say it now, you’ll have no opportunity later."

Zhang Zhentian knew every word Xia Jing said was true. He knew if this woman hid and didn’t want to see him, he wouldn’t find her even if he searched the ends of the earth. The power behind her was too strong for him to make it disappear. He had to comply. So he had to seize the opportunity to speak up, or he’d have no chance to speak later.

"Maybe you think when I first got together with you, it wasn’t out of love but for other purposes. Yet, I have no regrets being with you. I loved you even without you, and it was only after you left that I realized love isn’t something you can forget easily. But I have to bear the consequences of my own mistakes. I can’t always blame everything on you or let you take the fall for me. I know every decision I made back then hurt you, but you never left me and stayed by my side, which was a great comfort to me. I knew it wasn’t fair to you, yet I never stood up for you or considered anything from your perspective. This is my failing as a husband and my greatest failure as a man. I won’t behave as I did before. Maybe you can forget me, but I can’t. Only after I figure out what I truly want in life can I understand that I’m not just someone who seeks profit. I can give up all gains for my love. I was willing to do anything for love before, and now I’m still willing to give up everything for the one I love. I don’t care about money, status, fame, or power. What I care about is whether I can get the life I want, the life I desire. And now, the life and lifestyle I want, without you, wouldn’t be perfect. I believe that through my efforts, I can still find you again and build my perfect life. I hope you can wait for the day I find you. No matter where you are, I’ll find you. Even if it’s the ends of the earth, I’ll find you, no matter what. Even if I die trying and never see you again, I’ll regret nothing."

"I ask nothing, want nothing, only wish that when I find you, you won’t give me despair again. I just want you to be with me. If you give me despair again, I will truly collapse. My life can’t withstand so many ups and downs. I already know my mistakes. The despair you gave me made me deeply feel the arrival of death. I know how terrifying that despair is!"