novelraw Chapter 38 : Sleep with Me Tonight
Chapter 38 : Sleep with Me Tonight
Alcohol is actually a rather despicable thing. People lift their wine glasses and drink down that spicy, bitter liquid, as if by doing so, work pressure, strained relationships, confusion about the future... these unspoken troubles could be softened and diluted by the alcohol.
But just like how the beach is exposed after the tide recedes, after sobering up, what needs to be faced is still there. It might even be worse due to the brief escape, adding several parts guilt or powerlessness.
No, alcohol isn't despicable. Alcohol is good, alcohol has merit, alcohol is a friend, alcohol is a substitute. In those unspeakable moments of suffocation, when you can't bear it anymore, it's alcohol that uses a bit of tipsy warmth to let people catch their breath in the darkness.
People always want to push the inertia of escape onto it. Clearly it's their own lack of courage to face things, yet they blame alcohol for making people indulge. Clearly they want to use it to slack off, yet they forget it should only be occasional companionship.
People really do occasionally need this kind of substitute. It's truly not wrong, just like wanting to lean against a wall to rest when tired. When you need it, it's there. When you want to move forward, it won't cling to you.
But Xie Ci still believed alcohol was a despicable thing.
Not only because he had never enjoyed alcohol's benefits, never felt the warmth of being tipsy.
What truly digests distress has never been the alcohol in the drink, but rather the courage to put down the glass.
"Stop drinking."
Xie Ci's brows furrowed tightly as he pressed down with undeniable force on the wine glass Ling Xi was bringing to her lips.
She hadn't touched her chopsticks much tonight, just drinking glass after glass of wine. Her movement was interrupted.
It had to be said, she looked even more beautiful after drinking. The corners of her long, narrow eyes were tinged with crimson red, and those blue eyes rippled with watery light, making one's heart tighten.
Ling Xi's movement paused. No struggle, no dissatisfaction, just staring blankly downward at the hand Xie Ci had pressed on hers. That familiar warmth seeped through the skin, making her unwilling to leave.
It was somewhat hot.
Something like a premonition seemed to be quietly peeking out from the bottom of her heart. She just obediently hummed in acknowledgment, docilely loosening her fingers, placing both hands properly on her knees, looking at him, quietly awaiting what came next.
Instead, Xie Ci was stunned. He had already prepared his wording, even prepared for her to play tricks, to glare at him, to snatch the wine back and keep drinking. After all, when they were online before, the impression she gave was of someone who would be this domineering.
But now, how had she become so obedient?
Sure enough, is it still because of this afternoon's incident...
He looked at his own reflection in her eyes, suddenly feeling that his earlier determination to stop her from drinking had somewhat deflated.
"That thing... this afternoon in the bathroom..."
Xie Ci paused, staring at the expression on Ling Xi's face.
"I heard it all, not a word missed. Sorry..."
"It's fine. It's just some filthy, foul things... It doesn't matter if you heard."
Ling Xi said indifferently, reaching her hand toward the wine glass again. As if realizing something, the hand she'd extended retracted.
She kept her eyes lowered. Xie Ci couldn't see the expression on her face clearly.
"So, why did you return to China? Wouldn't it have been better to stay abroad?" Xie Ci was somewhat puzzled. He always had some inexplicable sense of strangeness about this matter, so he chose to ask directly.
But she still didn't speak. Her fingertips unconsciously gripped and released the tablecloth. The expression on her face changed and changed again. In her beautiful blue eyes, azure waves rippled, somewhat hazy.
Her shoulders relaxed, as if unloading a thousand pounds of shackles. Her hand reached toward the wine glass again, gripping the glass wall tightly, but still not picking it up, just stroking it.
As if drunk.
"Do you want to hear... my mother's story..."
She mustered her courage, gathering nearly twenty years' worth of strength, about to push open this already rusted door. But when she really reached the door, she became timid instead. Several times she wanted to speak, but just opened her mouth without saying anything.
Her chest felt tight, but just then, a hand she had held before reached out, picking up the wine glass she had been holding.
Xie Ci added some wine to both wine glasses, taking his time. He looked at her quietly and calmly, not wanting to say anything urging or probing.
"Alright, I'm listening."
As if all her timidity had suddenly been drained away, those things that had been stuck in her chest for so many years suddenly had momentum to rush out. She opened her mouth and finally spoke.
Xie Ci actually didn't like drinking.
But the red wine was already open, and truth and emotion would both sway out from between the cups.
......
Her voice was very soft, carrying a bit of trembling, yet also somewhat heavy.
"Later, I desperately searched for things related to her, chasing after her footsteps. Only this way did life feel somewhat real."
Speaking to this point, she paused.
"Actually, she never demanded anything of me, never expected anything from me. When I stood at roughly the same height as her, I seemed to not know what to do anymore, so I came back."
Hearing this, Xie Ci really couldn't help but ask.
"So, you came back to attend Spring City University, and directly started as a sophomore?"
Xie Ci really felt somewhat baffled. He didn't even want to ask about the major anymore.
"Mm..." She kept her head down, weakly humming in acknowledgment, looking instead like a little girl coming to admit her mistake.
"It's fine, keep talking."
The table full of dishes had already gone cold, and both bottles of red wine had been nearly finished.
"Actually, whether or not I go back to the entertainment industry this time I returned, it really doesn't matter anymore..."
Xie Ci didn't speak after that, just quietly listening.
He could clearly feel the sadness contained in her seemingly casual words, pressed down in the bottom of her heart, now pouring out like water released from a floodgate, heavy and weighty.
But he really couldn't empathize.
In his memory, the entry for "mother" had always been blank. No voice, no photos, not even a blurry outline.
Sometimes Xie Ci would think, do people necessarily need these emotional bonds? He was all alone, had nothing, yet wasn't he living just fine?
But looking at Ling Xi now, he suddenly felt that those things he had never possessed were perhaps the root of her pain.
Because in her words, beneath that sadness, there was also some sharp resentment hidden, something she still buried deep in her heart.
"When I returned to China this time, I actually also planned to visit my mother's grave, but unfortunately, this year I happened to miss her memorial day."
Xie Ci listened silently. He remembered sitting outside the bathroom, inadvertently hearing those words. Mixed into Ling Xi's cold, elegant temperament was actually a little bit of uncontrollable hysteria.
Surveillance, control, throwing her out of the house, even saying they wanted to see if her fate was tougher.
At the time, although he cared, was even somewhat afraid she would really do something foolish, he had no clues. But now it suddenly connected with the resentment in her words.
So behind that "getting ahead," she's also carrying something this heavy?
The wine was finished. The hazy alcoholic vapor diffused in the air, mingled with Ling Xi's slightly drunk confession. He picked up the teapot on the table and poured a cup of warm water into her glass, pushing it toward her. She obediently drank it down.
"See, I'm just this kind of troublesome woman, entangled in messy affairs, with a filthy family too..."
She just stared at her hands clasped together. When those words "troublesome woman" came out, they carried a bit of self destructive meaning. Her heart thumped in her chest. She stopped talking, somewhat panicked, but more like relieved of a burden.
She was waiting, waiting for his "verdict," the "verdict" she feared most. That he would show even the slightest trace of impatience, judge her as "failing," then turn and leave.
But for some reason, she seemed to feel that in the depths of her heart, there was actually a tiny bit of anticipation. Anticipation that he would turn and leave just like that, without any mercy.
Since I'm troublesome, being disliked would be normal, right?
For some reason, Ling Xi actually somewhat anticipated this feeling. At least this way she wouldn't have to suffer like being roasted over a fire.
"By the way, you still owe me something, right?"
Xie Ci spoke. This sentence was very light, yet clearly broke the grinding silence in the room.
"Huh?"
She suddenly raised her head, staring at his face. He wasn't frowning, didn't have any other expression, just looked at her so calmly, as if he had never heard her say these things.
Xie Ci pulled out his phone and opened his WeChat QR code.
"You haven't added me on WeChat yet."
Ling Xi paused. This sentence was a bit of a non sequitur. She didn't react.
"In my view, matters concerning oneself can't be called troublesome or not troublesome. Whether it's your mother's matter, or your family's matter, what you want to do, or don't want to do... none of these can be called trouble. This is part of what makes you, you.
"What are you spacing out for? Scan the code."
What he said was straightforward, even a bit clumsy.
"Um... how should I put it, you just returned to China, you probably don't have many acquaintances either. If anything comes up, you can come find me, contact me. Don't hold it in by yourself."
She opened her mouth, wanting to say something, but only managed a sound carrying some choking, "Mm."
She looked at the time displayed on Xie Ci's phone.
It was already past Spring City University's curfew time. Going back now, it was already too late.
Ding dong~
A WeChat message notification lit up.
Ye Li: Little Ci, I'm downstairs at your dorm, come down quickly! Otherwise curfew will hit soon. Sleep over at my place tonight!
"I've scanned it. Accept it."
Ling Xi silently moved her gaze from Xie Ci's phone, looking toward the vast night outside the window, her beautiful blue eyes lowered, not knowing what she was thinking about.