How to Redeem a Trashy Side Villain

Chapter 140: Treasure Chest

"Why is this happening to me?!" I screamed the first thought that crawled into my brain as I ducked under this massive claw that smashed the wall behind me so hard that the dust on the ceiling shook and spread around the room.

The stone behind me exploded as if it were drops of water that had been disturbed by a heavy and large item dropped from a high place.

Chunks of the rock rained down around me as I rolled across the floor and came up on one knee.

Dragging Gon back into a defensive stance, in front of me stood the owner of the claw in question.

It was a demonic creature that looked like someone had taken a bull, a lizard, and infused them into the body of a furnace. Then they decided to give them six horns and a mouth full of rotating teeth.

One ugly son of a gun is the best way to describe it.

The monster roared, and flames leaked out from the gaps between its teeth and the flames traveled in a spiral like a tornado.

Staring at it as it approached me, I dodged it last second.

"You've got to be kidding me. What is my luck?"

'Master,' Kimi said carefully in my head, 'it was your decision to enter this suspicious-looking place.'

"I know that! But I didn't choose… this," I muttered as I narrowly stepped out of the way of another swipe. "I chose to explore the lands, trying to find ways to further develop my gaslighting prophecy. I didn't choose to get dragged into a dungeon."

Mind you, I didn't even know that the Underworld had dungeons.

"And of course after all the hard work I do, I reach the treasure room just for the treasure room not to have treasure," I grumbled as I jumped backwards, avoiding the creature's front legs that had slammed down.

The monster unleashed a deafening roar.

Behind it was the chest. A large, ornate chest.

"Calm down, buddy. You're going to get laryngitis if you keep this up."

The treasure chest was right there and yet, the monster stood in front of it like an angry receptionist who was refusing to let me pass the desk.

"This is exactly the kind of bullshit I'm talking about," I grumbled while circling the creature slowly. "Why does every dungeon have to do this? Why can't the treasure just be sitting there peacefully?"

I understand that I complained that things were too easy for the protagonist in the novel, but at the moment, I was a little out of it after being hard at work for days on end trying to perfectly curate a narrative that would allow me to return home.

Kimi offered a logical answer, 'Maybe the chest belongs to the monster.'

Staring at the creature, the thing was scratching its horn while thinking about what move it could pull out next to kill me.

"Does that ugly motherfucker look like someone who would own property?" I asked.

'...Fair point.'

The monster suddenly charged.

Why wouldn't it?

Barreling toward me like an enraged freight train that had anger management issues, I sighed.

"Do I need to find you a therapist?!" I asked while stepping to the side and casually letting the horns scrape past my shoulder.

It crashed into the wall.

"Another thing, why do you need to roar before attacking? Is it like boxers who can exert more power by making this sound, tss tss tss!"

Despite making those sounds like a boxer, I was actually swinging Gon.

One of the slashes was clean and was able to cut a deep line across the side of the demonic monster.

"You know, if you're going to be that big," I added while hopping backward onto a pile of broken stone, "maybe lose some weight so you could charge a little faster."

'That's kind of fatphobic,' Kimi commented.

"No, it isn't," I said as I flipped and dodged another spiral of fire.

Smoke was puffing out of the nostrils of the monster as it glared at me.

"Fatphobic would be if I said you were ugly because you were fat," I continued while ducking under the spiral of fire that scorched the air above my head. "But the monster isn't ugly because it's fat. It's just slow because it's fat. It's ugly because it looks like it was created by someone in the midst of their seizure."

It roared again, even louder this time.

Honestly, it felt a little personal just how much it was roaring.

I slid to the side as its claw tore through the stone where I had been standing a second earlier, the impact sending another wave of shattered rock skidding across the floor.

"You're roaring at me like I'm ugly or something. Look in the mirror, you bastard!" I screamed while hopping backward.

'Master, I don't think it understands you,' Liona said in a genuine tone as if she was trying to help me.

Does she think I don't know that?

"I understand it doesn't," I muttered. "I'm just having a little bit of fun complaining and yapping while I think about how to deal with this monster."

The creature then lowered its head and the six horns began to glow faintly. Heading began to build along the fridges of its abody and the furnace-like plates along its spine began to pulsate brighter and brighter.

"...Oh. That doesn't look good," I uttered.

The next second, it charged at me again only this time, faster — a lot faster.

"Okay!" I yeled, springing sideways as the ground cracked under the force of its charge. "If you were capable of this kind of speed, you should've used it from the get-go. Only after being insulted do you decide to get serious."

To be honest, the horns missed my ribs by an inch as I twisted away and if it wasn't for all the extra training Quentin had me doing, I might've been stabbed.

The heat rolling off its body felt like someone had opened the door of an industrial oven directly into my face.

"Hot! Hot! Hot!" I screamed as I landed in a crouch and pushed off again before the follow-up bite could close around me.

Its rotating teeth snapped shut where my head had been just a split moment ago.

"Ouuuu, your breath stinks!" I said quickly. "Yeah, no thank you. Please don't touch me with that mouth of yours. I understand dental work is expensive, so don't worry, I'll pay for it. To be honest, at least your teeth don't look as bad as people from the mediocre lands of Britain."

'Master, what's Britain?' Liona asked, confused about a country that didn't exist in this world.

Irritated that its dinner kept refusing to cooperate with the process of being eaten, the monster turned again, preparing its next move.

Its six horns glowed brighter.

The furnace plates also looked much hotter, as if someone had turned the knob that controlled the temperature from "Hot" to "Holy shit, this is hotter than fish grease!"

What? Have you never heard of that setting before?

Pointing at it immediately, I uttered, "Hey. Hey, don't do that."

The monster did not stop doing that.

"If you gots the shits, just take a shit. No need to hold it in until it causes you to explode," I warned, taking a cautious step back. "I'm not cleaning up after you if you leave a mess."

It inhaled deeply.

"Good. Take deep breaths. That'll help your bowel movement."

Despite what I was saying, the sound the monster had made alone was enough to make my survival instincts start filing complaints with upper management, aka my brain and mouth.

Hmm… looks like it's another breath attack.

It opened its mouth wide and I could see flames gathering inside the throat, swirling and condensing before eventually looking like a miniature sun.

"Okay, yeah… that's a breath attack alright. Let's not be rash—"

The next second—

FWOOOOOOOSH!

The min-sun shot across the room.

"Ahhhh! That is hot! Be careful where you're putting that sun down," I complained as I dove sideways, rolling across the floor, and barely avoiding becoming a grilled appetizer.

I took a peek at where I had been and everything had melted.

"Are you trying to burn me to ash? I won't taste good that way stupid. You're supposed to have me with seasoning, butter, and medium rare."

The monster didn't seem interested in culinary advice, which was a shame considering how good a cook I was. Not to brag, but I could probably cook you the nicest bowl of instant ramen you've ever had in your life.

The six horns along its head glowed even brighter as if encouraged even further by my words, heat rippling through the air as it stomped forward.

Thoom! Thoom! Thoom!

Behind it, the chest continued sitting there peacefully, untouched. It was sparkling slightly, almost like it was mocking me for not opening it already.

I pointed at it.

"Look at that chest," I said while sidestepping another swipe of its claws. "Look at how calm it is. Look at how respectful it is of my personal space. Very demure. Very mindful. Don't worry you sexy thing. I'll be there to touch you as soon as possible."

The monster roared again.

"Yes, yes, I hear you. You're the loudest thing in the room. Congratulations. You're in competition with no one but yourself."

It lunged and I jumped out of the way just before its jaws snapped shut.

The rotating teeth scraped against the rock with a screech that made my ears ring.

"Oof," I winced. "That sounded expensive. Dental insurance is not going to cover that. I might be able to get you in contact with someone who might be able to create some fake teeth."

'Master,' Liona said, 'I believe it is trying to eat you.'

"Yes, I picked up on that part," I replied while hopping down and casually letting its tail whip past my back.

The tail smashed into a pillar behind me and shattered it. Dust and debris rained everywhere.

I coughed.

"…You know what your problem is?" I asked.

The monster stomped toward me again.

"You don't know how to pace yourself," I continued, pacing sideways like I was giving a presentation. "You came in way too hot. First impressions matter. How are you supposed to get the job if you have all this energy? Relax. Take a chill pill. Maybe smoke some medically prescribed marijuana."

It sent another fire-breath attack and this time, I dove forward rather than sideways. Sliding across the floor and the wave of fire passed inches above my back.

The heat alone made my hair feel like it was about to crisp.

Nooo! Not my precious, glorious hair!

It roared again.

"Stop yelling!" I shouted back.

It charged at me again. How many times was this now?

Honestly, this thing had the strategic depth of a brick. It was reusing moves and had a pattern so readable now that I could probably survive it while sleepwalking.

"Here we go again," I sighed.

This time, I didn't bother jumping away dramatically.

Instead, I stepped slightly to the side, just barely enough.

The horns carved a trench through the floor, and the monster's momentum carried it straight past me.

Gon flashed.

One clean slash carved through the back of its leg.

Slice!

The creature stumbled violently.

Its massive body crashed sideways into the floor, shaking the entire chamber and dust burst upward like a small explosion.

I stood there, staring down at the fallen monster.

"…Wow," I uttered.

It tried to push itself back up and I responded by having Gon flash again.

Another slash cut deep across its neck.

Slice! Slice! Slice! Slice!

The creature twitched a few times, then finally stopped moving after a while as the light inside its body began to dim, including the fire burning in its furnace body.

Silence finally filled the room.

I wiped the blade against its hide.

"Well," I said calmly. "That was unnecessarily dramatic."

'Master,' Liona said, barely holding back laughter, 'you spent the entire fight insulting it.'

"That's called psychological warfare," I smirked. "I learned it from a spider that swings around New York City."

'Where's that?'

"...Nevermind."

Finally, I stepped over the enormous corpse and approached the chest. I rubbed my hands together as if I were looking at a perfectly cooked steak.

"Alright," I muttered. "Moment of truth. Time to see what reward I earned after dealing with that loud idiot."

I opened the lid.

Inside was…

.

.

.

"…A scroll?"

I stared at it. Just a scroll.

No gold.

No weapon or armor.

No artifact.

Just a rolled-up piece of parchment sitting there with so little aura that it was like someone in middle school saying an outdated joke in the middle of class and no one laughing.

My eye twitched as I uttered, "You're kidding."

I picked it up and unrolled it.

Maybe I was judging a book by its cover. Perhaps this scroll was something crazy powerful that I was dismissing too early.

Glowing letters slowly appeared across the parchment.

I read the first line.

Then the second.

Then the third.

The good news is, I was able to read it as it was in the common human language.

"…Oh, you have got to be kidding me."

'What does it say?' Kimi asked.

I held up the scroll. This was the bad news.

"It's a quest."

I threw the scroll to the ground and proceeded to stomp on it.

"I'm busy! I don't want a goddamn quest! I want a treasure, plain and simple! Fawkkkkkkk!"