Every Mile a Memory

Chapter 17

When I arrived back to the Murphy abode, thanks to a great car navigational system, I made an effort to appear semi-normal by taking some deep breaths and pasting on a smile. With the kids surely in slumber-land, Lara, Finn, Carter, and Vanessa were gathered in the great room. I knew the engaged couple were going to be there. Right before my earthshattering phone call—one which no one knew anything about—Lara had told me Vanessa was going to be in town for a short visit.

“Maya,” Finn said upon my entrance. “Didn’t expect you back so soon.”

I’m sure they didn’t. I suspect they didn’t think I would return at all that night, considering the limited time Hawk and I had together as a couple. A sleepover was probably more than expected.

“Yeah.” I tried a simple answer with no explanation, but I saw all four of their faces wanting more, and knowing Vanessa, she would ask. “He had to leave.” Well, that was the truth. Knowing I didn’t want to or had the energy to get into it any more, I then said, “Sorry, I don’t want to interrupt. I’ll just go to the guest r—”

“No. No,” Lara interjected. “Don’t be silly.”

“We’re just doing wedding plans,” Vanessa jumped in. “Join us. The boys aren’t listening to reason, anyway.” She nudged Carter who shook his dark, loose hair.

“Maya, drink?” Finn asked, starting to stand.

Oh, God, yeah. A gallon of your strongest. You know the bourbon you like? Yeah, that.

“No. No. Thanks.” I listened to sensibility instead of desire.

“So we were actually just discussing you two.” Vanessa was looking right at me.

What was she talking about? Who? What two?

“We are doing the invitations,” she continued in her fast-paced Vanessa way. “We were going to write ‘Hawk and guest.’ But should we just put your name on instead? Yeah, right? Is that proper etiquette?”

Oh. “Us” two. I was pretty sure there wasn’t a “two” any more.

“Who cares about etiquette?” Carter sounded very much a man and groom-to-be. “They’re both going to be there. I’m not even sure why we are sending half of these people an invitation. They know when. They know where.”

“We have to send invitations!” Vanessa practically shrieked. “Maya, what do you think?”

I could hear some sort of buzzer, and I wondered if it was real or if it was just in my brain. Maybe it was the signal that my time was up. My time was up for the fantasy world I had been living in since the Keys.

“I don’t need my name written on anything.”

“Well, I…” Vanessa started.

But I was focusing on Finn, who was standing at the monitor. It had been a real buzzer—the one that said the main gates were opening to allow someone up the long drive to the house. I saw the driver’s face in the gunmetal colored truck just before it roared up the hill. Of course, it was Hawk.

“I’m going to the guest room.” When Finn’s eyebrows burrowed and he jerked his head slightly at me, I clarified so there was no doubt. “I don’t want to see him.” And I walked away.

I didn’t want to see him. I had enough for the day. Well, I had enough for a week. It was too much. I couldn’t deal with disappointing him. I couldn’t deal with having him being angry with me. I just needed to be alone.

I shut and locked the door and then went into the adjoining bathroom. Sheez, I hadn’t done as good of a job as I thought I had. The mirror proved that. Although there wasn’t any running makeup, my face was blotchy and my eyes were weary red. I was positive then that the four in the great room had noticed and had initial questions but had been too polite to ask. But now, for sure, they were rapidly putting the pieces together.

Since the guest room was only feet away from the great room, I could hear Hawk entering. “Is she here? She’s here, isn’t she?”

“Yeah.” I recognized Finn’s voice.

“I figured she wouldn’t answer her phone. So I just drove over here.” Hawk sounded hurried, rushed…anxious.

“What’s going on?” Finn was getting closer.

“She didn’t tell you?” So was Hawk.

“No.”

There was a hearty knock on my guest room door. “Maya?” When I didn’t answer, Hawk called out again, “Maya?” I sat on the bed and listened as he tried the locked doorknob. “Come on, open the door.” That time, I swear it sounded like he had been drinking, which was strange because even when he drank, he didn’t sound like or appear as if he had. “Maya, open the door.” After another unsuccessful attempt at the door, he yelled, “Damn it.”

I thought of the irony then. Jeff had quite a few nights of getting drunk after we found out we couldn’t have a child. And, now, there was Hawk drinking and swearing over the fact that he was going to be a father.

I felt bad. I knew it was my fault. But still, I didn’t want to see him…especially in the state of mind he was in. It would tear me apart. If there was even a semblance of hope that we could at least talk about it, it couldn’t be then.

My thought was confirmed with, “I’ll kick it in if I have to.”

“No.” Finn’s response was immediate and firm. “No, you won’t.”

I could hear a little bit of a ruffle and then Hawk’s voice softening just a tad. “Finn, man, this is my thing.”

“This is my house.” After a few seconds pause, the crooner said, “Come on.” There was another slight hesitation before, “Give it a night. Whatever it is. Give it the night.”

“I—” Hawk started.

“I’ll call you a cab,” Finn offered, and I buried my head in my semi-sore hands.

“I’m not that drunk.”

“Even if you’re not”—Lara obviously had joined the men— “you shouldn’t be driving.”

“Lara’s right,” her husband agreed.

“We’ll take him home.” It was Carter’s turn. “We were leaving, anyway. Nessa, grab my keys. I’ll get his.”

“Great,” I heard Finn say. “Come on. Go home. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Maya…” Hawk’s voice trailed away.

There was a long bout of silence only interrupted by a few monitor beeps indicating exterior doors opening and closing. And then there was another knock on my door. I knew it wasn’t him. The knock was too soft…too diminutive.

“Maya? It’s Lara,” she said before confirming, “It’s just me. Can you let me in?”

Of course, I did. Not only was it her house, but I wanted someone to talk to…to confide in. And I knew Sophia couldn’t be it, for obvious reasons. Juanita would listen. But there was nothing like talking with someone person to person.

We looked at each other in silence before both sitting on the made bed. Finally, she asked, “What’s going on? I don’t think I have ever seen Hawk like that. He likes to be in control.”

“Is he?” It hurt me that I hurt him.

“Finn is talking with him, and Carter will make sure he gets home all right. I’m not sure how drunk he is, but it’s obvious he’s upset.”

“Yeah. I threw something pretty big at him.”

Lara waited. She didn’t flinch. She didn’t question. She just waited, knowing that if I wanted to, I would tell her more. I suppose it was a mom tactic. One that maybe I needed to pay attention to.

“I’m pregnant.” It was weird, but it came off more naturally that time.

“Oh.” There was the look—not as bad as Hawk’s or as surprised as mine, but there was definite shock. “I thought…” She paused. “I mean…I thought you couldn’t.”

“Oh, believe me, me, too. Jeff and I…we tried for years. We finally did all the fertility testing. And they told me we couldn’t. I was devastated. We had wanted kids—maybe four—one for each of our hands, we used to joke. First a boy, then a girl….” I shook my head, realizing I was rambling. “When I found out we couldn’t, I bolted out of the doctor’s office. Jeff eventually found me down some random corridor. I took to my bed for a couple days. I wouldn’t even talk about it. And, of course, he was upset, too. And then he died. He died a few months later. Oh, Lara, how can I…?”

“And you’re sure you’re pregnant? Not too long ago I was convinced—"

“The blood results came in from Oklahoma, and I even picked up one of those kits, totally not believing. But it’s true.”

“Congratulations.” She smiled. “You have a miracle.”

“Not quite. There was a mix up…well…Yeah, it’s close to a miracle. I just wish I could be completely happy about it.”

“Tell me what happened with Hawk….”

***

I felt nauseous that next morning. And it wasn’t because of the pregnancy. I was playing with Chance and Arinn in the Murphy back yard when I heard Hawk’s truck approaching. It had to be him. It had the sound of a big, extended RAM 1500 like I had seen him in, via the monitor, the night before. And I knew he was due to pick up Finn right around that time.

The two men were heading to the final concert stop that night, which was only a couple hours away. Then they would be back home in the wee hours of the morning. Lara wasn’t going, though. She and the kids were supposed to go house-hunting with me. But considering the pregnancy revelation, I wasn’t sure that was an option anymore.

I had ignored Hawk’s “we need to talk” text from the night before—those were never good words—and had then turned off my phone altogether. But now I knew he was in the house and was once again just a door and a few feet away from me. I couldn’t be that big of a wuss. I needed to face him sometime. So I started the kids and myself back into the house. At least I would have the buffer of two adorable children and two other rational adults, who both now knew everything.

“Have you told her that?” I heard Lara say as I approached the open screen door.

“You saw.” It was Hawk’s voice. “She won’t even talk to me. She ignored my text. She just thinks she knows how this is all going to play out.” There was no doubt they were talking about me.

“You walked out on her.” The way Finn said that made me know I had an ally on my side. It was as if he was putting himself in my shoes. He got it. “You don’t do that.”

“Finn…” Lara’s pronunciation of her husband’s name was a partial sigh.

“I know.” I could hear the empathy in Hawk’s voice. “I was just thrown. I came back.”

There was no harnessing the two Murphy children. They bustled through the door directly ahead of me. Chance raced toward Hawk, and Arinn kind of wobbled behind. It continuously amazed me how good Hawk was with kids—those two, his brother’s kids…

I locked eyes with the tall, broad, brooding man, as Chance bounded into his legs saying, “Arinn stinky.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “Someone needs their diaper changed. I’ll do it.” I started to pick up Arinn.

“Maya….” There was a plea and want in Hawk’s voice.

“Not now.” I had such mixed feelings right then. Seeing him with those kids made me vulnerable, but knowing what he’d said about how things were going to play out made me leery. I couldn’t have my fear confirmed, at least not there in front of everybody. “There’s too much going on. And there’s not time, and I…” I took a deep breath and looked to Finn for help.

He did. “We do need to be going.”

“Shi—” With a glance at Chance, Hawk stopped himself from downright swearing. “Man, you are always late. We can be—”

“We’ll be back early tomorrow. Maya, you’ll be here, right?” he said in a way where I knew he was giving me a reprieve but also hoped for some kind of resolution the following day. Having two of his closest employees in the situation Hawk and I were in was far from desirable for Finn…and it made me shudder, recalling my hesitancy earlier in the summer regarding personal versus professional.

“Yeah,” I agreed immediately, while looking at Hawk, who shook his head.

“Let me give Princess Stinky here”—Finn gathered Arinn into his arms—“a kiss before you get her changed.”

After he did, I took refuge in climbing the stairs and escaping into Arinn’s nursery. I didn’t need to wish either Finn or Hawk good luck. I didn’t need to see Lara kiss her husband goodbye, while Hawk stood nearby. And I certainly didn’t need to see him leave again.

***

I had Arinn in my lap, reading her a rhyming book. She kept pointing to the cat. And then she would try to turn the book upside down.

“Stop that.” I tickled her and turned it back the right way.

“Stop dat,” she mimicked, with the same inflection as mine.

I put down the book and asked her, “Arinn, where is your foot?” When she grinned and pointed to the appropriate body part, I asked another. “Where are your ears?” With another right answer, I said with glee, “Oh, my goodness! You are so smart!”

“Oh, my goodness!” she repeated, and I laughed.

“That’s nice to see.” Walking into the room with Chance, Lara joined us by sitting on the floor.

“Yeah.” I knew I was going to be a good mom. I felt it already.

“Chance, take Arinn and go play with one of the puzzles over there,” Lara directed.

“Mommy…” Chance semi-whined at the baby puzzles.

“Thank you, bud.” That was all she had to say for Chance to give in—I needed to start taking notes. “How you doing?” Lara directed the question to me with the kids not really out of earshot but at least not directly listening.

“I…I feel so high school. Getting pregnant and not thinking I could. Oh, you wouldn’t know.”

“I know more about that than you can possibly imagine.” She seemed to shake imaginary cobwebs from her brain and then continued. “Hawk would make a great dad.”

“I know.” My face had a legitimate smile, but it was also a sad one. “I actually kinda told him that the first time we met. He probably thinks it was my opening—bait, hook…”

“He doesn’t think that, Maya.”

“I’m so sorry. You and Finn don’t need this drama. This wasn’t why you brought me on. And, now, God knows, I probably shouldn’t even look for a place to live. I can’t work for Finn. I’ll have to leave, or Finn should just let me go.”

“What? No!” she said immediately. “No. And I say that for me and Finn. No. We’re looking for a place for you. Maybe we should add a few houses instead of just townhomes since you might like more of back yard with a little one.” She looked down at my not-for-long flat stomach. “And I won’t say another word, but you do need to talk with Hawk.”

Yeah. I know. But I dreaded it.

***

“Why is he calling me? Shouldn’t he be on stage?” Lara reacted to her phone belting out the song “Roxanne,” which I had come to know as her personalized ringtone for Finn.

Sitting near Lara in the great room, I glanced at the clock on my laptop. But I didn’t need to. Arguing or not, I was pretty much as attuned to what and where Hawk should be as Lara was to her husband. Yes, I had been imagining what he was doing most of the day—having more bro-talk with Finn, meeting location representatives, organizing equipment placement, and at that moment in the evening, patrolling backstage as the crowd sang along to a Finn Murphy hit. I looked at Lara with the same amount of inquisition as she had on her own face.

“Finn? What? What’s going on?” she answered and then gave him a chance to actually respond. “What! What? Are you okay?” She shot up from her seated position on the sofa.

Her disposition instantly got my attention. I put my laptop down and repeated her query. “What?”

“Yeah,” she said into the phone and took a big breath before repeating again, “Yeah. You’re sure?” She pressed the phone tighter to her cheek and, after listening again, talked in a way that I knew she was having trouble hearing. “Hawk?” She looked at me, now standing, too, and then listened some more. “Uh-huh. She’s right here.” Her eyes appeared a little bigger that time before she said, “Okay. Hold on.”

When she pulled the phone away from her face, I asked again, knowing there was definitely a cause for concern, “What?”

“There was an incident,” she said slowly. “Hawk got Finn out of the way, but in the process, Hawk was hurt.”

Oh. My. God. It was happening all over again. Jeff…Hawk…

“Is he dead?” I hardly heard my own words. They came out in a horrified whisper. “Was he shot?”

Did some fan go crazy and Hawk interceded? Oh, God. No.

“Oh, Maya. No. No. Finn wants to talk to you. He’ll explain.” I tried to concentrate on Lara’s words. I think they were saying something positive…something not completely heartbreaking.

Still, I took the phone from her hand and spoke into it slowly, “Hello?”

“Maya?” Finn’s voice came from across the line. “Listen…on the opening number…” There was a lot of background noise—more than usual, even with him presumably being backstage. “A piece of equipment broke loose from above. Hawk saw it happening. He pushed me out of the way, but he slid and fell pretty hard off the side.”

“Oh, God. How bad?”

“His one side is banged up. Thank God there’s always medics on site, right? They took him to the hospital but assured me he’ll be all right. Need to run some scans, whatnot. He’ll be home tomorrow at the latest.” A smidge of the background noise faded, and I heard Shelly say everything was almost set before Finn continued. “Just living up to his name again—eyes on everything. Probably saved my life.”

“So he’s okay?”

“Yeah. He’ll be sore. But he knows how to shield.”

Finn didn’t need to tell me that. I knew that. Hawk, after all, had done the same thing with me the first time we met in the hotel in the Keys.

“Should I call him?” I asked.

“You know what he told me when I said I was going to call you and Lara?” When I didn’t answer, he spoke, anyway. “He said, maybe she’ll actually talk with me now.”

“Yeah.” Admittedly, I felt regret.

“Can you put my wife back on the phone? I want to make sure I tell her how much I love her before I get back on stage. They’re just about ready again.”

“Yeah. I sure can.” I smiled softly at his sentiment and returned the phone to Lara.

“Hi, Cowboy.” She was more relaxed, knowing her man was safe. “Yeah.” She listened again to the phone as I walked to the patio doors to look out into the darkness and try to reclaim my breath. “Yeah.” After another pause, she said, “I love you, too. Forever.”

Between Lara’s concluding words to her husband and what Finn told me Hawk had said, I didn’t hesitate to pick up my own phone and call the protector himself. Unfortunately, though, I got his voicemail. “It’s me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about…well, you know what. And, Hawk, I’m sorry you’re hurt. I want to talk. It just wasn’t right this morning. Tomorrow. All right? I’ll come by your place. But will you please just call me back, and let me know you are okay?” Not knowing what else to say, I ended the call and wiped my eyes. They were still dry, but they were envisioning the horror that had taken place on the concert stage not long before. And it wasn’t hard for me to imagine, since I had months of firsthand experience being in nearly identical settings.

“How did you find out about your husband?” Lara, approaching my side, asked in a gentle way.

“His chief on the force called. By the time I got to the hospital, it was too late. We didn’t even have a chance to say goodbye or say anything at all.”

She looked at me in a knowing way. “When Finn was in an accident a few years ago, all I kept thinking was… what was the last thing I said to him?”

“Yeah.” I sighed, trying not to recall my sadness.

“You’ll have that chance with Hawk.”

“Yeah.” It should have made me feel better, but it didn’t. “If he calls me back.”