Born of Silicon

Book 5 Chapter 46

“Guess it’s my turn.” Ivy lounges back on the couch. “Just do me a favor and keep it between us.”

I was born a few years after Jade. My earliest memories are being part of a water caravan just at the start of the end of the world. Dead trees were still only half-buried, rain was still common on the coasts, but rare in the center of the continent. We ran coast to coast, filling up in any city with a desalination plant, and selling to whoever could afford it.

There were a few families that made up our caravan. Six or seven, each with their own car.

It was just the two of us, no other kids. That naturally put a lot of pressure on both of us. We were held to the same standards as everyone else, even with no experience. Jade was small enough to get into crevices in the engines to do work, and I was being taught trade before I could even talk.

It was stressful. More stress than a kid should have. We both handled it fine though, at least from the outside.

It was funny. I saw Jade as this golden child, doing whatever needed done, working wherever the adults couldn't reach. I never saw her complain. Never saw her let her mistakes affect her.

I had to be like her. I shoved the stress deep down, hid it. I tried to be as perfect as her. I’d break down only in the dead of night when I was alone.

Turns out Jade saw me the same way. She felt the same way. She couldn't handle the stress any better than I could, and hid it the same way I did.

God our childhood could have been so much easier if we ever bothered to have a single real conversation before it was too late. But there was never time for that. We worked sun up to sun down, and even when we were just riding in the car, neither of us said a word. Our parents expected us to be quiet, just like they were. Jade even stopped riding with us most of the time, catching a ride with some of the other groups. I asked to do the same a few times, but always got told no. I was always too young and eventually stopped asking. I didn’t want to make Mom mad.

I don't think either one of them actually wanted kids. They were distant, rarely ever talking to us unless it was to tell Jade to do work, or telling me to follow along to some deal.

I was a teenager before they started letting me take the lead in negotiations, always with their supervision though. I was good at it, for whatever that’s worth. But my heart was never in it. No, I looked up to the guards. I saw them fight off raiders, protecting us. I saw them get hurt, I saw the small rituals that developed when one of them died. That’s the life I wanted. But no, my parents wanted me to be a trader, nothing more. Who was I to argue?

I started skimming money off the top of the deals. I hid it away, saving for months.

In one of the towns I found time alone to sneak away. Just fifteen minutes before I had a meeting with a local water trader. I found my way to a little market, and found an arms dealer. Now, not many people are willing to trade to a teenager, but there are no shortage of sketchy traders. I found a sleazy guy, but he was willing to deal.

He had an old rusty revolver, barely worth anything, but mostly functional. I'm sure if I had time to haggle, I could have gotten it cheaper. But as is? I got fleeced. Months of saving all down the drain for a gun that hasn't been cleaned in years and a handful of bullets. I got lucky though, a lot of the damage was superficial. She had good bones, and I still keep her on me.

I hid that gun at the bottom of my backpack and got to work. I met up with Mom just a minute before the meeting started. I think I gave her some bullshit excuse. ‘I got lost’ or something like that. I'm not sure if she was annoyed because she didn't believe me, or I was an inconvenience.

Living in a caravan means you rarely get time to yourself. I couldn't practice with my gun without someone hearing and coming running. What I could do though, is practice reloading. In the rare moments I could get to myself I'd pull it out and just practice unloading and reloading it. If I couldn't be sure I could hit, the least I could do was make sure I have more chances than the other guy.

Of course, one of the first times I was working with it, Jade came around the corner.

“What do you think you're doing?” She asked.

“Nothing!” I shoved my pistol back in my bag.

She just walked up and held out her hand. I knew how stubborn she was. She wasn’t going to leave until I gave it to her.

“You're not taking my gun.”

“Just let me see it, dumbass.”

We stood off for a minute before I finally took it out.

She took it out of my hands and quickly inspected it with practiced motions.

“This isn't one of ours. You bought this?”

I didn't respond.

“This thing’s going to blow up the first time you fire it.” From her bag she pulled out a cleaning kit and got to work. “Tell me before you waste your money next time.”

“You're not going to tell Mom?” I couldn't believe it.

She wordlessly hiked up the hem of her shirt, revealing a pistol hidden in her waistband before continuing getting my gun into fireable shape.

“Where did you get that?” I asked.

“Do you even know what my job is?” She didn't wait for me to answer. “I started cleaning and maintaining some of the guns. You know John? The guy with one hand? He pulled me in for some help. Any one of them would have given you an old gun if you asked.”

“Mom doesn't care?”

“She can't care if she doesn't know. I bring back cash, what does she care where it came from? I'm just surprised it took you this long to get one.”

“I'm almost always stuck with Mom, at least you have some freedom.”

“At least they talk to you.” She said sourly.

“Only when it's related to business. You think either of them have just sat down and talked? At least you get to be around the rest of the caravan!”

“Oh yeah, I get to replace you and our parents with a bunch of thirty year olds. It’s pretty easy for Mom’s favorite to say that’s better, isn’t it?”

“You think I’m the favorite?” Oh I was pissed at that. “I can barely piss without her breathing down my neck! Every moment of my life is decided by her! It took months for me to find fifteen minutes to sneak away and buy a gun! It took weeks to find time to practice reloading!”

Jade sighed and shook her head. She surprised me by stepping forward and pulling me into a tight hug.

“I’m so tired.” I whispered into her and began to cry. “I hate her.”

“Yeah.” She agreed. “Why don’t you ride with us when the caravan starts up? I think it’d be good for you.”

“Thank you.” I nodded into her.

“Alright, chin up, we don’t have a ton of time.” She stepped back and resumed working on my gun. “I’ll teach you on the drive.”

“Ok.”

Sure enough, it was only a few minutes before Mom came around the corner. Jade shoved my pistol into my hand, and her kit into her backpack. I had a lot of practice hiding a lot of things from mom, and slipped my pistol into my waistband before she came into view.

“What are you two doing?” She asked as she turned the corner.

“Catching up.” Jade shrugged.

“You can catch up later. Come on, the caravan is moving again.” She turned without even looking back.

Jade glanced at me and tilted her head towards Mom. I was scared, I never really stood up to her before.

“Hey Mom?” I stopped her. “I was thinking maybe I could ride with Jade?”

“You what?” She whipped around, fury in her eyes. It’d been years since I last asked, I don’t even think she remembered I ever did.

Her and Jade started yelling. My memories from back then are already hazy, and that one’s not worth guessing about. I’m sure Jade could give you the full story if you want it though.

“I’m fine not knowing.” I reassure her.

“Good.”

Mom was furious, and Jade was standing her ground. The two of them yelling brought over most of the caravan to watch.

It didn’t take long before I gave in. I just wanted them to stop.

“I’m sorry! I’ll ride with you!” I yelled over the both of them.

Jade glared at me, and it did little to reduce Mom’s anger. Mom ended up grabbing me by the arm and dragging me to the car.

The caravan all made their way back to their cars, and we set off. Mom ranted the entire way, although I don’t even remember what she said. She was angry, and taking it out on me, that’s all that mattered. Dad didn’t come to my defense either. He was angry too.

I just sat there and took it for hours. I’d long since stopped trying to say anything, it just made her angrier.

I was finally saved when we made it to San Francisco. This was after the oceans had disappeared, but they had a good system set up, essentially a large elevator leading down the continental shelf. They’d use that and caravans to bring in water. It was cheap-ish to buy from there, so we stopped by often.

When we parked, Mom still had a job for me. We headed out to meet with a seller, trying to fill up our caravan.

San Francisco was one of the largest cities before it died. Crowds were common, even on the surface between skyscrapers. We were picking our way through, and I was still freaking out from the drive. My panic took over, and I ran. Disappeared into the crowd and dashed down an alleyway. Ran away from her yells.

I never saw her again, although I can’t say I’m too torn up about that.

For the first time in my life, I was on my own. I could go wherever I wanted, do what I wanted, all whenever I wanted. It was great, incredible even, at the start at least. 

I spent the first few weeks hiding, and that wasn’t hard. The city was massive, and I had my stash of money on me. I don’t know how long they looked for me, but I stopped hearing about or seeing them after a few weeks.

Things got dark when my money started to run out. I was a trader with nothing to my name. I did whatever odd job I could find, just trying to keep my stomach filled, and I wasn’t against stealing when I needed to. Problem was, I was too old to get away with anything.

I got locked out of my room the first time I couldn’t pay, and ended up hiding beneath a stairwell. I had no friends, no food, no water. 

I was more stressed than I’d ever been. There was this guy who noticed, hanging out with a couple of his friends. He called me over and offered a few puffs. Said I looked like I needed it, needed to relax.

I thought he was right, and I took it.

It did exactly what he promised. I felt better, things felt manageable. Hunger? Thirst? Pain? All disappeared in a cloud of smoke. I could work longer, it was magical. It always is at first.

I went back to that group of friends for more and fell in with them. The more I did, the less I felt from it, and the more I needed. Soon enough, I went searching for something stronger just to feel that first magical hit again. All it did was start the cycle over again and again.

It became my life. I’d buy the strongest stuff I could get my hands on just to get through the day, so I could work and make money. I took any work I could, even offering my body to AI to test cybernetics. I still have some weird stuff in me that I never bothered to remove. That money just got funneled back into buying another hit, or surviving just long enough to use it.

I surrounded myself with people caught in the same loop. We helped each other, did our best to keep our friends alive. But we also fed into each other’s addictions. It was a vicious cycle with no way out. Very few people want to help an addict, and not every addict wants help. I didn’t.

None of those years are worth remembering. I was in a bad place, and I did whatever I could to stay there. It was just a little brighter than the void around me, and what did I care that it was killing me?

I was there for a long time to say the least, and would still be there if it wasn’t for Jade, Vince, Drew, and Cassie.