Black Badger

Chapter 137

How should I even have started this conversation...

In my frustration, I decided that I needed to confess to Ami first.

So, I got a long visitation permit from Samuel Han.

The doctor was thoroughly pissed off.

"Uh, whatever, do what you want."

He replied indifferently as soon as he heard my request, scribbling his signature on the tablet.

"You're going to do whatever you want anyway."

"Hey, that's not true."

He was sulking.

I did have a lot to feel guilty about. Every time I went out on a mission and came back, I ended up in the hospital, and this time, I hadn't even gone on a mission but came back with third-degree burns. It must have been maddening for him. I tried to cheer up the doctor, who was sullenly staring at the tablet.

"But this time, I'm behaving and getting treatment properly. Come on, don't be mad."

"Shut up, man."

"Hey, don't be like that. I'll do better from now on."

"Why are you being so gross?"

"Do you like apple wine, by any chance?"

Oh. He reacted.

The doctor, who had been lecturing, shut his mouth for a moment.

I seized that brief positive response and jumped into the topic.

"I'll brew some apple wine later and bring it to you."

"What apple wine out of nowhere?"

"There's an apple tree growing near the cabin."

According to Yoon, it was a descendant of the apple tree in the yard of the house next door.

He said that both the tree in the neighbor's yard and the one next to the cabin bore plenty of apples every year.

I had been thinking about brewing fruit wine to relive old memories anyway.

Samuel Han made an "ah" sound after hearing my explanation.

"That one growing in my yard?"

"Yes?"

My yard?

"Choi Yoon's next door is my house. Didn't you know?"

Huh?

As I gaped, Doctor Han chuckled.

"I don't go home much."

"...I had no idea. I've never even seen you there..."

"Yoon probably didn't tell you. He's not much of a talker."

The doctor didn't seem particularly surprised.

But he did give permission to brew apple wine with those apples in the fall. He said he always had a surplus of apples every autumn and it was a hassle. He usually gave them away to the science department folks who coveted them, and that was bothersome too.

Why did the science department people covet those apples?

"They make a fuss about it being Newton's apple."

Samuel Han answered my question straightforwardly.

I stared at him blankly and asked foolishly.

"Newton's dead, though."

"You know, the story about Newton's apple tree? The one where he got inspired by a falling apple or something."

"Yeah."

"It's a tree grown from a branch taken from the apple tree at his birthplace. I got it from the president of a place called Trinity College a while back."

"Wow."

That had been so cool.

Suddenly, I understood why the science department people were after those apples. So, if I made apple wine from them, it'd be booze made from Newton's apple.

Anyway, whether he really liked alcohol or not, the doctor softened a bit and approved the long visitation for me.

I contacted Ami first thing.

*

"Hilde!"

Ami came into the hospital room with her black hair tied up in a single ponytail, holding a department store bag in her hand.

"Congrats on passing the exam, anyway!"

I grinned.

When she pulled up a chair next to the bed and showed me the gift from the bag, I gave her a thumbs up. It was meat pie, the kind I had hesitated to buy and share with my cohort during exam study sessions, all packaged up.

"I heard you can eat regular food now," she said with a smile.

She took out the individually wrapped pie and looked at me.

"But what's this thing you want to say?"

Sigh...

"My little brother was being a pain, so I asked him everything, including the questions he'll have later, and it took forever."

"...Did Yoon say that?"

"Yeah. He said not to come bombarding him with questions later."

Ami furrowed her brows, as if Yoon's words sounded odd.

"I don't really get what that means."

I forced the corners of my mouth up.

Cool wind poured in through the open window. It was lunchtime. The weather was so nice that it made me resent not being able to leave the hospital room, and the Core was peaceful. A couple of creatures that even civilians could catch had appeared. A tier 4 creature had attacked a university in Core 15, but it was hunted without any victims.

It was a good day.

In that refreshing lunch hour, I planned to confess the truth to Ami.

This would be the first time I brought up this story myself.

Where should I even have started...

As I pondered, Ami encouraged me.

"Just say the first words!"

She cheered me on like she was motivating a kindergarten kid.

"Once you say the first words, it'll be easier to keep going!"

"The first words..."

"The first words!"

"I'm not human."

Ami's eyes widened.

Her movements stopped.

She stood frozen, staring at me like she'd been hit with paralysis magic. Her open mouth and bulging eyes showed her shock.

The pie she'd been holding was about to fall onto the bed.

I reached out and caught the meat pie that was slipping from her hand.

"Then what are you?"

It was the first reaction from Ami.

She was calmer than I expected.

She didn't ask if I was joking or burst into laughter assuming it was a joke. She just stood there, observing me intently.

I handed the meat pie back to my senior.

"A creature."

"Huh?"

Ami made a weird sound.

She blinked several times.

"A creature?"

"Yes."

"There are creatures that can talk and use smartphones and look human?"

I looked at her.

And steeled my resolve. Ami would accept reality more easily than others. She'd seen creatures drawn to me, and she'd noticed my anomalies.

And she'd probably faced one directly too.

I gave a faint smile to my senior, who waited for an explanation without averting her gaze.

"There was one during the First War."

Ami's jaw dropped.

"You showed me the footage before."

"So that's why you cried back then?"

Her voice rose in alarm.

Every time I thought of the footage, my stomach churned, but I nodded.

Ami stayed stunned and still for a while.

"I'm sorry for telling you so late. Actually, my memories came back quite a while ago, but it was top secret."

I rubbed my neck and made excuses to my senior, who was lost in shock.

The IV line tickled my elbow. I carefully set down the twisting tube and waited for her to snap out of it.

The sound of the wind shaking the curtains.

Ami recovered from the shock faster than I'd expected.

"So you two knew each other?"

My throat tightened.

I swallowed hard the lump stuck in my gullet. I'd braced myself to tell this story, but facing it was harder than anticipated.

I nodded and barely managed a smile.

"We were friends."

Ami stared at me with her mouth open.

"Sorry."

Then she lowered her brows and apologized.

"So that's why you cried so much back then."

"Yeah."

"We must seem awful to you."

"No. I betrayed them."

As I explained straightforwardly, Ami's eyes widened.

I didn't wipe the self-deprecating smile from my face.

While continuing, I hated myself the whole time.

"In a way, I killed them. The sword Ye-hyeon held was mine."

The meat pie slipped from Ami's hand.

I caught it again. This time, I just held onto it without giving it back to her.

Spitting out the words felt like vomiting razor blades.

And I had to make two more confessions like this. Blood seemed to fill my mouth, but it was my karma—I couldn't complain to anyone.

The pain would never dull.

This time, it took my senior longer to recover from the shock.

Ami shook her head as if trying to clear her mind and asked.

"Why?"

That's what I'd like to know.

"That part, I don't remember."

"You don't remember?"

"Yeah. No matter how hard I try, it won't come back."

"It must have been a huge shock."

Ami lowered her brows again.

Sympathy filled her young face.

"People who go through traumatic events often do that. Their brains block out memories from the time it happened."

"But I was the perpetrator. How pathetic must I have seemed to my own kin."

Forgetting my sins so comfortably and joining the enemy organization, laughing away.

"They'd probably want to grind their teeth and kill me."

Something welled up, so I shoved the meat pie into my mouth. I forced down the food blocking my throat. The savory seasoning scent overpowered the disinfectant smell.

Ami stared at me as I devoured the pie in one go.

Once the pie went down my throat, she stood up from her seat.

Her small hand patted my shoulder.

"You've been through a lot."

Her tone was calm.

"You must have suffered a ton mentally. I get why your brother said that. I have so many questions, but I don't think I can ask them all today, so I'll take it slow from now on. You look really worn out right now."

"You can ask now if you want."

"How old are you, Hilde?"

Is that the most pressing question?

I blinked at the unexpected one.

But Ami looked quite serious. With her hand on my shoulder, she waited for me to speak.

I didn't even know my exact age anymore.

"I stopped counting a while ago, but anyway, I'm older than Yoon."

"Gasp!"

Ami was the most shocked she'd been since entering the room.

She even took a step back.

Wasn't the point of surprise a bit off?

"I thought you were like an older brother, but you really are..."

Her round eyes shook back and forth.

I gave her a look that was half exasperation, half amusement.

I couldn't understand why she'd be so shocked by something like this. There were tons of other points to question.

It didn't seem like she'd deliberately picked a harmless question out of consideration.

My senior, whose pupils were shaking wildly, muttered to herself.

"But I thought you were just a young kid and found you cute..."

"Hey, no. Keep treating me cute."

Ami pressed her lips into a straight line.

What did that bizarre expression mean?

As I furrowed my brows in confusion, my senior plopped back into the chair.

Then she quickly pieced it together.

"It's because of that notice about the identifier, right?"

As I shoved the second meat pie into my mouth, Ami said.

I nodded.

"I was instructed to tell only a few specific people the truth."

"Who?"

"Kal, Sophia, and Ricardo."

"You're friends with Sophia, Hilde?"

"No. Apparently, the HR director will tell her."

"Well, yeah. Shu is still too much of a newbie."

Right. Unfortunately.

I thought Shu Diamond might accept my existence more easily, but I had no intention of confessing to her myself. My immediate senior had too bright a future to get tangled in this mess.

My cohort too.

"Did you tell Kal and Rick?"

"Not yet. Senior Kal is coming to visit in two days."

"And Rick?"

...I hadn't contacted him yet.

I didn't say it, but my senior read the answer from my expression.

Yoon would have clicked his tongue, but Ami chuckled.

"Rick is scary."

"I agree."

"Fight through the confession, Hilde!"

Ami made a weird-sounding comment and clenched her fist.

"Just let me know the results!"

"Would you stay by my side for courage when I confess?"

"No way. Scary."

A curt rejection came back.

It was a joke on my part, and she replied in kind. But the 'scary' part felt genuine, so I let out a laugh.

It'd be nice if I could brush off confessions to the other seniors like this too.

But no chance.

"Hilde."

"Yeah?"

"I think you're a really good person."

Ami emphasized her words, looking at my widened eyes.

As if to convey it wasn't empty flattery.

She pressed each word firmly, shooting me a piercing gaze.

"There must have been a reason you turned your back. You're not the type to abandon those around you for your own safety."

Well...

"People like that rationalize it to themselves. But you're suffering like this."

Because trying to escape the suffering would be another form of betrayal.

I vowed to myself not to commit that betrayal. If that was just another flimsy self-consolation, then I had nothing to say.

Ami didn't avert her gaze.

"You're a truly good person."

It was comforting gratitude.

But Ray hesitated because of my sword and died.

I handed the sword to Jae-yeon, hoping Ray would hesitate.

How could someone like that have been called good?

I didn't voice the resonating words in my mouth. As Ami said, I didn't have the energy to go further today.

She said she'd ask slowly, so she'd learn the truth about me bit by bit.

With a faint smile, I saw off Ami, who was chased out as time was up.

*

30 minutes before Kal's estimated arrival.

I steeled my resolve and texted Ricardo.

[Me: I have something to say. Can you come for a long visit sometime?]

The reply came right away.

[Ricardo: Gonna beg?]