A Jaded Life

Chapter 1321

Dropping out of the shadows, I landed in the Nexus tower. I didn’t dare to use the shadows to travel directly into the Nexus, not without knowing its state well in advance, so I had to walk down the long flight of stairs. This wasn’t something I was willing to try while sitting on the throne I had created atop my tower, even if that throne allowed me to tap into the Nexus and draw on its powers. What I was trying now wasn’t so much about the power itself, though it would certainly help, it was about safety, comfort and security.

The Nexus represented raw power, something I could wield to empower myself. The tower I had built above it served to shield me, to anchor the wards I had placed, and to protect me from anything that might try to do me harm. Even the geographical location was another layer of protection, as we were far enough north in the winter to have incredibly short days, with barely a few hours of possible sunlight. And even those few hours were effectively blocked by the clouds constantly shrouding my tower. Given that Sunna was probably my most troublesome and powerful foe, knowing that not a single ray of sunlight had reached my tower since I created it gave me a powerful sense of security.

A part of me wondered if I should have my children stand guard in the tower above me, adding yet another layer of protection, but something within me rebelled against the idea. My children weren’t there to guard me; I was there to protect them. It was a very motherly impulse, making me once again wonder just how strong the divine domain's influence on me actually was, and what would happen if I sought to rebel against it. It was, at least as far as I understood, an innate part of me, just one that was empowered from the outside, making it stronger and thus becoming a bigger part of my being.

Shaking my head, I walked down the stairs, the raw power welling up from below already serving to calm my mind and allow me to feel more secure in my pursuit. The power here was raw and wild, yet primal and pure, anchoring me in a very different part of my being. Not the motherly, civilised aspect but the aspect of myself that had worked with Lenore to create undead and send them after their former home, or who had conjured up the Mists of Madness to avenge a comrade, whether that comrade would have wanted that or not. Who had, with reckless disregard of the consequences, unleashed what many would call an eldritch horror, or at the very least a primordial titan, unto the world of Mundus. And had then assisted said titan in the destruction of an entire continent’s ecosystem and civilisation, empowering it to the point that the entire world had suffered for it.

Sure, I had believed that the world of Mundus was a video game at the time, but I had to ask myself, did it truly matter? I had considered Sigmir as a real being, a real person, with dreams, emotions and everything that made a person into one. Even back then, she was a person to me, a person I deeply loved. The only difference between Sigmir and the hundreds of thousands, maybe even the millions, who had died directly and indirectly due to my actions was emotional attachment. I had considered Sigmir a person because I cared about her, while I didn’t consider those other people as, well, people because I didn’t care about them. No emotional attachment, no empathy, nothing, just an outlet for my anger. Like a child, scorching ants with a looking glass.

It was not a nice realisation, but, at the same time, I was well-aware that this was part of me, a fairly major part at that. I couldn’t shy away from who I was. It was something that I had to acknowledge and, in a way, accept. Maybe even incorporate, or I might risk splitting a part of me off. I wasn’t sure what was possible with this new world of magic, and creating what could amount to a vengeful spirit, just because I wanted to wrap myself in blissful ignorance, wasn’t a smart thing to do.

With thoughts like those, I continued my descent into the glacier, stepping carefully so I wouldn't lose my footing on the stairwell, until I finally reached the deepest layer of the Nexus Tower. Down here, there were no more doors or barriers, just an open portal to allow entrance into the pillar of Ice around which the tower was constructed. The pillar stretched from the deepest layer of the foundation up to the top of my tower, until it turned into the throne I had built up top. It had countless runes carved into its length, allowing the transfer of power and increasing its durability, making it quite the artefact. Curiously, I noticed that the vast amount of Astral Power flowing through it had slowly transmuted the Ice I had originally conjured into something stronger. Not yet Eternal Ice, but it was getting there. It was already beyond Hard Ice, constantly taking in more power, getting harder with each passing day, just like snow on a glacier, slowly, over the course of seasons and repeated snowfalls, turning into ice, slowly expanding the glacier. Eventually, the entire tower would be as indestructible and eternal as Ice could ever be.

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The deepest chamber was still as rough and somewhat unfinished as it always had been. It wasn’t something I was planning to change; the simple, primal nature of this place fit it exceedingly well. This wasn’t a place of pleasure or relaxation; it was a space of simplicity, purity and, for me, self-reflection. A place where I would hopefully be able to face myself and figure out just who I was and who I would become. Not a simple question, but one I wanted to answer, and if that wasn’t possible, I at least wanted to start understanding and exploring it.

Sitting on the rough, frozen stone, the mix of Ice and rock that made up this lowest point of my tower, I let the power of the Astral River flow around me. It wasn’t the same sensation as delving into the Astral River with my mind; it was a lot more encompassing, isolating me from the physical reality around me. But, at the same time, due to the sheer, overwhelming power of Ice and freezing earth down here, the Astral River wasn’t as magically diverse as it was elsewhere. Here, there were only Ice and Darkness; nothing else could intrude.

Here, I could allow myself to fall into my being, allowing myself to be completely isolated from the world, cut off from everything that might try to harm me. Or even try to influence me, it would take someone with greater control over Ice and Darkness than me to reach me here, and with the advantage I had due to proximity, I was fairly confident that even a divine being would have to seriously try. No, here, I was as safe as I could be anywhere on Terra, and safer than I had ever been on Mundus.

My eyes snapped shut, and my focus turned inwards. Immediately, my physical form filled my body, as perceived by my Blood Magic. Every small nick and tiny bruise, every ache and crease, every bit that made up my physical form was laid bare to me. For a moment, I focused on my limbs, my arms and legs, before wandering inwards, letting my perception take in my torso and the numerous organs it held. This elven body had some curious differences from a human one, but also quite a few similarities. I might have to explore that at some point, try to figure out where the divergences were.

Then my perception filtered up to my head, into my skull, and I started focusing on my brain. So delicate, making me scared to focus too hard on any single point, just in case the magic I used to perceive things turned intense enough to damage something. Healing myself was easy, but what if I accidentally destroyed a part of my brain? Would I be able to restore the information, the memories, stored in that particular bit? Or would I simply recreate that distinct piece as a blank slate, forever wondering just what I had erased?

Switching from a perception of the physical to a perception of the mental wasn’t a simple step. There was no gradual shift; I had to let my Blood Magic granted perception fade away and draw on my Mind Magic to look past the physical, past the meaty parts of my brain and into the Mind they gave birth to.

Again, I was quite careful as I took in the different pieces of my mind, the numerous memories and ideas stored within. The plans and aspirations, the hopes and dreams and, last but sadly not least, the fears and nightmares. All of them were born from my soul, that which made me into the person I was, and that was where I now had to delve in.

With a slow, deep breath, I let go and tumbled down into the space that was not, the deepest layer of my being.