Perfectly Reckless

Fourteen

#chapter Fourteen

“Because,” Maura told him, “for the thirty seconds it took for you to say it, I believed you meant it.”

“Maybe you should’ve ended it then, if you wanted to so much.” Ian was stung.

She could see it all over him, and it hurt her to know she was the cause, but not enough to keep her from saying, “I was going to. I thought it would be the right thing. The best thing. But when it came right down to it, I didn’t want to. I still don’t. I still think you are amazing and wonderful, and I still love you.”

She waited for him to say something. Anything. To give her the tiniest crumb, and yes, fuck, she would take whatever scrap he tossed her because right now it was all she could do not to get on her knees right there in front of him.

“Ian…” Maura said, the dual syllables of his name breaking between them.

But Ian gave her nothing. Maura backed away from him. He took a step toward her, but no more than that.

“How many times do you let someone hurt you in the same way,” she asked him, “before you become the asshole who keeps allowing it?”

“I don’t want to keep hurting you.”

“Well you are,” Maura told him. “Over and over again, Ian, and I am the asshole who keeps letting you.”

This time, when he reached for her, she let him pull her close. She fit so right against him. He kissed her hair.

“You’re not an asshole.”

“Then you are,” Maura said in a low voice. “And I’m stupid.”

Ian huffed a warm breath against her hair. “You’re not stupid.”

“Take me somewhere, Ian.”

His entire body tensed against her when she asked. His fingers tangled, snagging, in her hair. “Maura…”

She pushed away from him. “Fine. Never mind. Forget I asked.”

“I want to.”

“I know you do,” she said, “so why are you making this so fucking hard?”

“If I take you somewhere, I’m going to want to kiss you. And if I kiss you, I’m going to want to touch you. And if I touch you, I won’t be able to stop. I’m addicted to you. I won’t be able to quit.” He said this without a trace of a smile, without reaching for her.

She twisted inside. “I fail to see the problem with this.”

“I hated hearing about you and that guy.”

She smiled, just a little. “Good. You’re supposed to hate it. It’s supposed to make you want to Hulksmash things. I want it to keep you awake at night, tossing and turning while you gnash your teeth and pound your pillows. I want the thought of me with someone else to drive you fucking insane.”

Ian laughed and looked away from her. He covered his mouth with a hand and shook his head, but not like a denial. “It does.”

“I want to be the last thought on your mind before you fall asleep.” It was from that song, the one he’d stopped whispering to her. It was the truth. “But you know, Ian, right now all I can think is that you are my nicest thing. And I am your…nothing.”

She turned her back and walked away, then thought better of it. One last thing to say, while she still had the chance. Their relationship had been made up of too many last times; here was one more and she’d be damned if she missed her chance to tell him how she felt.

“I was never addicted to you. Addiction is about being unable to choose, and you were always a choice for me.” Maura paused, chin up, back straight. “Maybe you were a bad choice. But I’ve never regretted making it.”

“Even now?” Ian asked.

“Even now.” She turned again, hoping but not really expecting him to call out after her. Maybe to chase her. Take her in his arms and kiss her.

But of course, Ian let her walk away.