Every Mile a Memory

Chapter 5

And in an instant, there I was—in the baggage claim of the Nashville International Airport. It may as well have been the Statue of Liberty welcoming a foreigner to a new land. It felt so surreal…so overwhelming…yet so right.

I watched as the luggage began circling the belt. I tried to concentrate only on it—not who was going to pick me up, not meeting Reese, not signing all the agreements, not my leap-of-faith career choice. But I must have been thinking of all those things because my navy-blue suitcase with its fluorescent pink label almost passed me by. I reached out my hand to lasso it to me as, at the same time, a muscular arm stretched across mine and grabbed for it as well. I was ready to defend my possessions forthright when I looked up at the perpetrator. Then my arm went lax, allowing him to remove my suitcase from the moving belt.

“Hi.” I managed the word and a soft smile at Hawk. At least I looked nice—a blue top to match my royal blue eyes, and my makeup freshly updated on the plane. I’d wanted to make a good impression for whoever was picking me up. I hadn’t anticipated it being Hawk but so much the better.

A slow blink was his response followed by, “This it?”

“Besides what’s on my shoulder, yeah.” I readjusted my laptop messenger bag on said shoulder and went for my suitcase, propped up between the two of us.

“I got it.” He grasped the handle almost like he was a little offended I would carry it. We locked eyes for a moment, and an intensity I couldn’t quite identify vibrated through my body.

“Come on,” he said. “Lots to do in little time.”

We started walking stride for stride, with him taking the mini-lead. Dressed in a light blue button-down and khakis, he was quietly weaving us in and around the mass of people, making me think how he was the strong-and-silent type. But it was more than that. He seemed so serious—not quite as much as when we were first barricaded in the hotel room, but still. I didn’t know what I had expected when I’d thought about first seeing him again. I wasn’t naïve, and I was far from a Disney princess. But even if those kisses meant nothing, a partial smile would have been at least expected, right? Had I really misinterpreted the whole thing? Had we both only been caught up in the danger and proximity of being in that room together? Or maybe that was just the way it was in the music business. After all, the vacation in the Keys had been a month and a half before. He’d probably moved on…maybe many times.

Well, I figured, I can’t keep torturing myself. I needed to get my mind in the game. I needed to make conversation. So, wanting a legit answer, I started with a casual question. “How’d you get roped in to picking me up?”

“Part of the job,” he answered plainly. “At least I didn’t need to hold up one of those cheesy name signs. I knew you.”

He stuttered in his step and flashed me the briefest of smiles—the kind if you blinked you would have missed altogether. He was hard to read, but me not reciprocating didn’t help. So, after a few more steps of silent semi-awkwardness, I forged forward again.

“Besides human shield during hotel standoffs, you are also a driver?” I tried to make light of our previous encounter.

“No.” He half-chuckled out the word. “I don’t do most of the driving. Airports, though, for special people.” And he did that pause thing to look at me again with his intense hazel eyes.

“I hardly think that is me.”

“Maya, you’re going to be working with his kids. There’s nothing more important to them than those two.” His feet were slowing down since we were entering the parking lot. “And you are part of the team. Finn is extremely good to his team. You’ll see. It’s a family. Well, probably better than most.” He stopped at the back of an SUV and opened the trunk. After placing both of my bags inside, he went to the passenger side and opened the door for me.

“Thanks,” I acknowledged, and then it was silent again as he sent a text and we made our way out of the lot and onto the main road. The combination of silence, stillness, and no fresh air bothered me in the closed space. But instead of asking if I could open the window in someone else’s car, I opted for the make-some-conversation option. “This is so foreign to me.” Hawk glanced in my direction as I explained. “I have no concept how any of this works—this on-the-road thing.”

“It’s a different world.” He stated what I had pretty much already figured.

“Any pointers?” I asked.

“Be yourself. That’s what got you here.” I saw the slightest shake of his head, and I was unsure if it was in relation to the car next to us thinking of cutting him off or at me just being me. “But…” he continued as I silently admired the smooth way he drove. “I will tell you this…what you saw in March is different than what you are going to see the next couple days and then a lot different than this summer once we start to roll.”

Was that cryptic or hopeful? What did he mean? I asked it internally, but it must have started to come out verbally, too.

“Finn gets very stressed at the start of a tour,” Hawk explained. “Cagey-like. And then it calms down…more like it was in the Keys. Well, except for the obvious hotel standoff.” He looked at me for a second and then focused back on the road. “After the first concert venue or so, it’s really a party. But right now, he has us going in fifty million directions. And one of my jobs is to keep him sane.”

“Well, that didn’t make me nervous at all,” I said with pure sarcasm.

It got another partial chuckle from Hawk. “No need,” he said and then continued. “I’m gonna drop you off at the studio. Meet with Reese and whoever you are supposed to. In the meantime, I’ll bring your stuff to the hotel. You have my number, right?”

“Yeah.” I looked over at him, trying to figure out the sequence of my day.

“Text me when you’re done, and we’ll get you to the hotel. I gotta get some of this other crap done.”

I could see the truth in what he had just revealed—we were no longer at a beachy resort. It was the beginning of a massive, headlining production, and they were all feeling the pressure. And, surely, adding little ole me into the mix was more of a hindrance than a help.

“I’m sorry to be such a pain,” I offered.

“You’re not.” His reply was short but distinct. He looked over at me before turning the car into a parking lot and an open spot. “We’re here.”

“That was quick.” I acknowledged the under-twenty-minute ride.

“Yeah.” His shoulders dropped as he pointed in the direction of a woman exiting the building in front of us. “That’s Reese.”

Medium to slightly plump in build, Reese looked to be in her forties, but then who could tell nowadays, especially with hair coloring and wrinkle serums. Regardless, her shoulder-length, red hair took on the shine of the beginning-of-May Nashville sun as she first greeted Hawk and then me as we made our way out of the vehicle. While Reese was asking me if everything had gone smoothly with my travels, Hawk quickly touched my shoulder and nodded the direction of the driver’s seat. He was leaving. I nodded back but realized, as he pulled away, that I didn’t want him to go. I felt more secure when he was around. Whether it was the presence he portrayed or the fact that I just knew him more than the person in front of me, I didn’t know. But it didn’t matter. He had to leave, and I had to dive in to my future.

***

Everything with Reese and the lawyers went well. All of my clearances were in order and the papers they had me sign regarding employment, as well as privacy, were more than understandable and generous. After being married to a cop and being sworn to secrecy about the tales he would bring home as a way to debrief, not giving out addresses or phone numbers or personal stories of a rock star was a piece of cake.

When we were done and all hands were shaken, I turned to Reese. “I just need to call Hawk so he can pick me up to go to the hotel.”

“What?” she queried. “Did he tell you that? I’ll take you. That would be ridiculous for him to come back. I’m staying at the hotel, too, and this way we can chat a little longer without all the fuddy-duddies around.”

“Oh. Um, all right.”

Really, what Reese proposed did make much more sense. And I would enjoy hearing more about…well, about everything. And, God knows, I didn’t want to bother Hawk any more.

But I did need to send him a text. Reese is taking me to the hotel.

It was more than five minutes or so later, once we were already in her rental and heading out, when I got the reply back from him. I could have done that.

Already on our way. Get done what U need 2. Thx tho. Appreciated the ride & advice. I didn’t add a smiley that time. I thought it and wanted to but wasn’t quite sure about anything right then.

His return text said, Best part of my day.

Well, sheez, that threw me for a loop. Had I been in my own car or, for that matter, anywhere by myself, I probably would have screamed or at least said something out loud to question the meaning of his text after our shaky interaction earlier. I would have never been able to tell in person that it had been the best part of his day. But, also, in relation to what? Geez, how shitty of a day had he had? And, now, how would I reply? On top of that, I felt like Reese was staring at me and/or reading our texts, which I knew she wasn’t. But I could sense the curiosity from her driver’s seat since she had stopped talking while I was texting.

“Everything good?” she questioned.

“Uh, yeah. Sure. Sorry.” I was able to reply to Reese but not to Hawk before another of his texts came through.

Rest up. Tomorrow’s even crazier.

Somehow, that made me smile and want to try to make him do it, too. So I typed back. U & these encouraging words. Hallmark needs your talent.

Ha. Ha, he wrote and then followed up with a quick second text. It was good to C U Maya.

Although I was confused about what was between us, I wholeheartedly agreed. U 2, I replied and then directed my attention back to what I did know about—publicity and country music.

***

I knew I should have slept more. I should have slept more the night before I flew to Nashville, but I didn’t. I should have slept more the night I stayed in the hotel in Nashville, but I didn’t. I had been too nervous, excited, curious…everything. And, now, there I was—on one of, I think, eight buses, never mind the multiple semis hauling equipment—rolling down the open highway and wondering if I would ever sleep again.

The first day, I was in the bus with Finn, Lara, the kids, and Reese. Reese was traveling the fourteen-hour overnight adventure to the first concert stop so she, Finn, and I could meet in person and talk everything through. After that concert, though, she was flying back to New York to be with her husband.

Even without the previous pseudo-warning from Hawk, I could tell Finn was a little jittery and tense. But who wouldn’t be? Who could handle that kind of pressure on their shoulders? I felt stressed just leaving my house for a few months, never mind leaving and being in charge of a magic carpet rolling down the road. Finn was periodically texting and on the phone while we met and chatted. But he also remained focused on what we were doing. And Lara and the kids provided the needed breaks for all of us, whether it was just to eat, talk cartoons, or play games.

When the subject of Chance and Arinn was brought up, Finn was absolute about having nothing about them get out to the media—no names, no references, no pictures. Reese brought up the whole Arinn kidnapping incident in December, which I acknowledged. That led Lara to talk about the other part of my job—watching their two simply adorable offspring.

“Maya, the kids will almost always be with me or their father. But there will be some times when I want to be backstage or we want some time alone. Knowing there is someone consistent for them on site is so nice. Everybody has enough of their own stuff to do. The work for Reese, though, that’s your main thing,” she said.

“But when they’re with me,” I punctuated. “There’s nothing more important.”

“Thanks.” Lara smiled. “It’s hard for me to, you know, leave them, after what happened.”

“I completely get that.” I looked at her straight-on to emphasize my understanding of the situation.

“Do you want to help me put them to sleep? It might give you some idea of their routine.”

“Sure,” I agreed, and walked a matter of steps to the main bedroom on the bus.

Amazingly, not that much later—probably out of pure exhaustion—I managed to fall asleep on one of the skinny bunks outside of Finn and Lara’s bedroom. Reese took the other bunk across from mine. My nighttime lullaby that night was running through all the ideas and blog topics I had.

***

I had to remember I wasn’t a fan. I was an employee. Okay, I was both. And I was pretty sure my first blog about opening night portrayed that. I was to blog as myself, showing the true backstage, on-the-road experience. I sat alone, behind the buses, and wrote, wrote, wrote. Having gotten Finn’s approval the next morning, we linked the post to Finn’s numerous social media sites. And it blew up—in the best way—almost immediately. It received a ton of likes and comments and, best of all, made both Reese and Finn happy.

It made me even more energized and confident. I immersed myself into my work full-force—prewriting, following up, and researching. I didn’t go to the show or post-show with the rest of the crew the following night because I was watching the kids for Lara during the concert. She didn’t stay long and was texting me constantly. I kept reassuring her that the kiddos and I were having a great time and all was well. But I could tell when she made her way back to their trailer, there was genuine relief on her face. Even though we got along great, I knew I had to completely win her and Finn’s trust when it came to their children.

Afterward, I found a few moments to catch up with my personal correspondence. There had been so many of my friends and family calling and messaging the night before—including a video sent by Sophia’s sons, happily playing with and taking care of Allante. It was nice to finally have a chance to respond.

We were on the road completely for the fourth day—traveling a greater distance. It gave me more of an opportunity to get to know my bus mates. I was on the all-female bus, which was kind of fortunate because the guys by far outnumbered the ladies on the traveling lyrical circus. There were only five of us gals, which wasn’t bad…until it came to shower time. Then it was like my old sorority house with the waiting and squeezing in front of mirrors.

I was ready to get out and mix and mingle during the dinner break that evening. All the buses stopped for a mandatory break. We got fresh air and a chance to really stretch. From afar, I saw Finn and Hawk talking. Finn, as projected, did seem much more at ease, having a couple days under his belt. He looked in my direction and nodded to Hawk who, in turn, made his way over to me. It was the first time we were really going to have a chance to talk since wheels had gone up four days before.

“Hey,” said Hawk.

“Hi.”

“Where’ve you been hiding yourself?”

“Ha.” I kinda breathed out more than laughed. “I haven’t. Just been busy trying to get acclimated to my new job.”

“And? Everything going all right?”

“I think.” I dared not say more in case Finn had said something to the contrary to Hawk.

“I’m sure,” he amended before saying, “You need to join us post-show. You’ll get a whole other side of this phenomenon.”

“I will. I just need to get a hang of…” Of being with all these people all the time, trying to fit in, trying to remember what I was there for—

“Tomorrow.” He bowed a little to meet my gaze.

And I couldn’t resist. I was actually appreciative of the invitation…especially from him. “Sure.”

“C’mon.” Carter, Finn’s drummer with the floppy dark hair, seemingly came out of nowhere and slammed Hawk in the shoulder. “Let’s go hit the gridiron. We’re gonna crush them this time.”

“We do every time.” Hawk spoke with confidence and then turned his attention back to me. “See ya, Maya. I’ll save you a seat tomorrow night.”

“Good deal,” I replied. “Go crush ’em,” I added with a smile.

***

He wasn’t kidding. There was, indeed, an empty chair next to Hawk awaiting my arrival that following night after the concert. And it seemed to be the only one. Everyone was already kicked back with fresh, casual clothes and partaking in some sort of beverage. It wasn’t the whole entire crew—a more intimate one made up of mostly the band and those who immediately dealt with Finn. Their beach chairs were in a circle near Finn’s bus so he and Lara could be close to the kids.

They didn’t see me approach, which was just fine. It gave the writer in me a chance to observe silently and figure out the dynamics. What I witnessed was something I had noticed almost immediately since starting the tour—a true sense of ease and equality.

Coming from behind, I squeezed in between Hawk’s chair and the empty one. “This seat taken?” I know my smile was as shy as my voice.

“It was taking on dust, waiting for you,” Hawk replied in jest. “Sit, Maya.”

As I did, a good part of the gang seemed to cheer out, “Maya!” as if I was Norm on that old television show Cheers.

I sat down. “Hi, everyone.”

Whatever conversation had been happening prior to my arrival changed so everyone got to know me better. I had been introduced informally, or introduced myself over those past few days, but I got a better sense of individuals by sitting around and talking casually with them. And I’m sure they found out a lot about me, too.

At some point, Hawk had opened and handed me a bottle of beer. The whole transaction had happened so effortlessly, I hadn’t even realized it. But there I was enjoying the refreshing lime flavor, and it was nearly half gone.

I held up my bottle in his direction. “Thanks.”

“You got it,” he said, and I couldn’t help but think I liked when he was relaxed.

“Who won the game yesterday?” I looked at Carter because I felt like I was looking too much at Hawk. “Did you crush them?”

“Crushed.” Carter nodded his head toward Hawk.

“Um, winning by one touchdown is not crushed.” Finn spoke up, obviously having been on the opposing team. “And that’s only because you cheated.”

“What?” Carter’s deafening bellow was in good jest.

Hawk was looking at my beer. “If it’s not cold enough, you might need to go on an ice bucket run.”

“Oh, geez!” I laughed. I liked his succinct, personalized wit.

“Maya…” Finn joined Hawk’s and my conversation, giving up on the football trash-talking. “You said you weren’t even going for ice that day in the hotel. What were you doing?”

Everyone’s eyes on me, I spoke the truth. “I just needed space. I wanted some time alone to think.”

“You sure didn’t get that,” was Hawk’s commentary.

“No, guess not,” I answered.

“You’re not getting it now, either,” Lara observed.

“This is completely different than my life at home,” I acknowledged, momentarily bringing the bottle back to my lips. “I’m used to quiet solitude. I’m sorry it’s taking me a little while to adjust.”

“You’re fine,” Lara said.

“Maya, we’re all used to this,” Finn bounced off his wife. “Take as much time and space as you want. It’s fine.”

“Thanks.” I smiled genuinely because I knew he meant it genuinely. “You know…” I said after a mini-beat. “I just might need a little of that quiet time right now.” I took the final gulp of my beer and set the empty bottle down. “I’m just gonna go for a walk.” As I started to stand, I couldn’t help but see the eye shift Lara gave Finn who, in turn, did a head nod at Hawk.

Hawk looked at me as he shifted in his seat. “I know you’re tough, but it’s probably not a good idea to walk by yourself this late at night. It’s dark, and there are still straggling drunks from the concert.”

“Come with?” I didn’t even try to disguise it. It was what I intended all along.

I did want some time alone…with him. I wanted to see if the little dance we’d started in March meant anything. I felt like it did, and I wished it did, and, by some of his comments, I hoped he felt the same. But that wasn’t going to happen with a band full of brothers gathered around.

Hawk took the last drag of his longneck, silently stood up, and began walking alongside me through the grassy-to-gravely-to-grassy-again surfaces of the outdoor concert area. I was watching my feet more than anything because I was wearing simple sandals and didn’t want to step on any of the miscellaneous garbage the ticketholders had left on the ground. But what made me look up and speak was the tremendous beacon from the sky. The nearly full moon was reflecting onto some type of water just in front of us.

“Is that a lake?” I asked, knowing Finn and his team had been to that venue many times in the past.

“Yeah. It’s manmade…not big.”

“Huh,” I said. “I would have never guessed this was out here.”

Standing at the edge, I could see it in its entirety a little better. The water was mucky and the entry into it looked rocky and steep. Regardless, it seemed like an ideal, quiet spot to sit for a moment.

“Yeah?” I asked, crouching to show I wanted to sit.

Hawk shrugged and joined me, both of us sitting with our legs outstretched toward, but not in, the water. “You cold?” he asked after a minute or two.

“Neh, it’s refreshing.”

And then after another beat, “So, honestly, what do you think of Camp Murphy so far?”

“I’m not sure what I expected.” I was in a tranquil mood, just staring out into the water, while answering his question. “I guess it was so far out of my realm, I had no expectations. So it’s hard to say.”

“Well, that was a vague answer.” He tossed a nearby rock into the lake…its splash was barely recognizable.

“Sorry. Yeah.” I tried again. “What’s not to like? I have a job that involves two of my favorite things. I love the music, and I love writing. And there’s such a camaraderie.”

“But sometimes too much?”

“No. I didn’t mean that.” I turned to face him. “I hope I didn’t offend anyone.” Geesh, really, truly.

“We all feel that way sometimes.”

“Maybe it’s the writer in me. I like moments like this. Moments to sit back and soak it in…to think.”

Hawk turned to me then. After a second looking directly in my eyes, he used the exact words I had told him after our first kiss in the hotel. “Appreciate. Let it sink in.”

“Exactly.” I smiled just as his nose touched mine and our heads tilted in sync so I could feel the sight scratch of his beard before we kissed again…right there on the edge of the still lake.

I was internally sighing for a couple reasons. First and foremost, his lips felt magical. They were soft and feathery and gently sucking on mine. And second, I wanted that moment, and I knew it needed to be then. It was a rare chance for us to be alone in a calming, serene setting. The doubts needed to be erased. And if any more time would have gone by without my lips finding his again, I knew our chance would have passed, and we would have been stuck in that colleague-friendship zone. I didn’t want that. Hawk had taken the first step at the hotel months before, and it was my turn to let him know I was ready. And I was. I had learned time and time again that every day counts. I didn’t want to live with what-ifs. I didn’t want to live in the past. I wanted to live.

When we stopped, my gaze bounced around his for a moment before saying, “You’re not trying to influence me again, are you?”

“No, ma’am.” He gave a legitimate laugh. “I’m sure glad I might have in March, though.”

“Maybe.” I smiled, repeating what he had said back then.

Knowing we should return, but not wanting him to think I was doing the quick running retreat like I had the first time at the hotel, I gave him a smile and then sat silently for a few minutes, looking out to the water. “Thanks for walking with me.”

As he shot another rock into the lake, he said, “You shouldn’t walk by yourself, Maya.”

“I do like my alone time, but I wasn’t exactly planning on it.” I gave a sly smile, letting him in on my devious plan, and then reached out my hand as I started to stand.

He took the gentlemanly cue and stood while helping me do the same, all the while exhaling and slightly shaking his head at my comment. He got it. As we started walking back toward camp, I wondered if I had provided him with the best part of his day again. I know he had mine.